Salted Nutella Cupcakes!!!

My favorite 2 things!  Cupcakes and Nutella!!!  Here are Salted Nutella Cupcakes.  The original recipe I got this from...  Well, didn't work.  The frosting was grainy and not smooth, the cupcakes were a bit bitter and not that great... So I tweaed it.  The frosting, I will warn you, makes A TON!  But I haven't had a chance to cut it down or half it.  This was what I ended up with AFTER tweaking and making is smooth.  

Salted Nutella Cupcakes!

Chocolate Chocolate Cupcake: 32 cupcakes

INGREDIENTS:

2 cups flour

2 cups sugar

1 teaspoon baking powder

2 teaspoons baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup unsweetened cocoa

1 cup oil (I use canola)

2 cups hot water

2 eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla

DIRECTIONS:

Mix everything in a bowl until you get a thin batter. I then poured the batter into muffin tins with cupcake liners. Bake them at 350 degrees until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. I started checking my cupcakes after about 6 minutes.

Frosting:

INGREDIENTS:

2 sticks unsalted butter, softened

1 13-ounce jar of Nutella

¼ tsp of fine grain sea salt

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

1 pound confectioners’ sugar, sifted

6-8 tablespoons heavy cream

Add TBSP’s of milk as needed to smooth out to your preference

Top lightly with fine sea salt

DIRECTIONS:

1. In a large mixing bowl, cream butter and Nutella until well combined. Slowly add in confectioner’s sugar, and continue creaming until well blended (will not be smooth at this point).

2. Add salt, vanilla, and 6 tablespoons of heavy cream. Blend on low speed until moistened. Add an additional tablespoons of milk until you reach the desired consistency. Beat at high speed until frosting is smooth and fluffy.

The Terrible Truth...

Ok.  So they say when you set a goal to tell people about it and it makes you more determined and motivated to stick with it.  So I know I have done this before, but here is a twist.  I am going to tell EVERYONE my actual WEIGHT.  Ugh and EVERYONE knows that is SOOOOO hard for a girl to do.  So here it is.  As of today, 27 Feb 2012...  I weigh...  Ok well first, let me tell you my journey lol.  Makes it a little more bearable!

My Average weight in High School was 145lbs/ size 9.  I was never a "small" girl.  I was a good size, athletic type legs, I've always had bigger thighs and a smaller waist and a big butt...
Me and my Dad in 2000 and the me on my HS senior trip.  I wasn't big at 145...

After 2 kids, I was averaging about 175 lbs and a size 12.  Still not bad.

While I went away to Intel school, I drank ALOT.  In the 6 months away, I got up to 216lbs/ SIZE 18 by graduation!!!  IN 6 MONTHS I GAINED THAT FROM BOOZE AND EATING OUT ALOT!   My waist was about a 39, I was just fat...  Not another word for it...  Pure boozing and eating out!  

Since then (summer 2009) I never really recovered.  I did they HCG for 30 days and got to 185lbs but gained it ALL back plus an extra 5 lbs when I stopped.

So since EARLY 2011, I've been weight around 195lbs/SIZE 14. The pics are of me and my BUFFALO out for my bachelorette party in May 2011.  This is about 190 lbs.  She got me into skinny jeans for the 1st and only time (one day again, soon :)

 



When I got out of the military in Summer 2011, I gained another little bit, putting my at 206.5/SIZE 16-PUSHING 18 as of after Christmas 2011!  I was horrified.  This is me and the girls in Sept 2011...  I was exhausted after climbing 303 stairs- yeah it's a lot, but I was feeling the pain, and then another 1/2 mi walk to the castle... uphill...  fml. You can see my gained weight around tummy and thighs... ugh.  I hate this picture :( This is at about 204 lbs

All the extra weight was gaining around my tummy, which is the MOST UNHEALTHY AREA b/c it can lead to early heart attacks and all!  I was determined to get it off and finally be healthy!  Not b/c I had to b/c the military made me, not b/c Paul is an avid gym guy, not b/c I wanna be as small as a model, but b/c I WANNA BE HEALTHY.

So my New Year's resolution was to get healthy.  Yes I set a weight goal of 175, but ultimately, it's a size thing.  Muscle weight more than fat, so if i can get to a size 12, I think I will be pleased.  A size 10/160 lbs and I will be ECSTATIC!!!

They said weight issues can be genetic.  I don't disagree, but I believe it is more in the CHOICES YOU MAKE.  YOU CHOOSE TO SHOVE YOUR FACE FULL OF TAKE OUT.  YOU CHOOSE TO EAT THOSE DESSERTS AND DRINK THOSE SODAS, ALCOHOLIC DRINKS AND SHAKES.  YOU CHOOSE NOT TO WORK OUT.  everyday is full of choices.  every day is a new day with new possibilities.  everyday you have the CHOICE to change your life and MAKE IT WHAT YOU WANT.  don't say "i can't do it!"  YOU CAN IF YOU WANT IT TO HAPPEN.  you can't sit back and say "i want, i want, i want".

IF YOU WANT, YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN!  It won't happen overnight.  That's what my biggest issue it- I don't see results in a week and I'm devastated.  But you know what, I saw results in 2 weeks, 3 weeks, and every week since!  I see my endurance improving, I see myself doing things I didn't think I could ever do again b/c of my wrist...  Everyday I make the CHOICE to get up and do something to better MY life.  Not for anyone else, but FOR ME.
And b/c of that, I went from weighing 206.5 on 1 Jan 2012 to now, 190.4 on 27 Feb 2012.    So far a total of 16.1 lbs in 8 weeks (and i took 2 weeks off of working out- so really 6 weeks!)!!!!  I have lost about 3 inches in my waist, 1.5 in my thighs, down 2 pant sizes, I am stronger and have more endurance than I ever did in the Air Force, I feel happier than ever, my anxiety is almost nil, and overall I feel better about myself than I ever have.  My days are happier and I WANT TO make the right choices for my life when it comes to being healthy.
This is a pic of early Feb 2012.  You can see it in my face- I don't have a pic- yet- of a body shot, but I will!  And will edit and post!

For all of you who think you CAN'T, you are only LYING to YOURSELF and DEFEATING YOURSELF.  How about you PROVE to yourself that you ARE WORTH IT?  I tell you- it is a very proud moment when you look back and you can see what you were and who you are becoming...  :)

Thanks to Jillian Michaels, I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be!

Loves to ALL-
Katie

Healthy Smoothies!

ok since im creating all these smoothies, i thought i would share!  they are so easy! each smoothie makes about 2.5 cups, enough for 2 servings= not bad for a meal! frozen fruit makes smoothie thicker- fyi. AND all smoothies can be frozen for a popcicle or semi frozen for "ice cream" type treat!

your basic evvery smoothie needed items are: 135 calories for main ingredients

1/4 skim milk

1/2 vanilla or plain yogurt (i use organic)

1 tsbp honey or aguave nectar (found in baking aisle)

5 cubes of ice

Add ins:- blend on HIGH and make sure all chunks are gone- 

1 banana + 1/2 c mango chunks - typical banana mango

Add in- 159 cals.  Smoothie total- 294.  CALS PER SERVING 147

1 banana + 1/2 c sliced strawberries- typical strawberry banana 

Add in- 130.5 cals.  Smoothie total- 265.5.  CALS PER SERVING 132.75

1 banana + 1/2 avocado+ 1/2 c OJ- tropical

Add in- 265 cals.  Smoothie total- 400.  CALS PER SERVING 200

1/2c blueberries + 2tbsp lemon juice (add more to your sour taste)- blueberry lemonade

Add in- 42 cals.  Smoothie total- 177.  CALS PER SERVING 88.5

1/4 c raspberries frozen, unsweetened + 2tsbp lemon juice (add more to your sour taste)- raspberry lemonade

Add in-  16 cals.  Smoothie total- 151.  CALS PER SERVING 75.5

1 banana + 1 orange peeled + 2 slices of peel + 1 tsbp lemon juice- banana orange

Add in- 174 cals.  Smoothie total- 309.  CALS PER SERVING 154.5

1/2 orange + 1/2 can drained pineapple- typical pineapple orange

Add in- 104 cals.  Smoothie total- 239 .  CALS PER SERVING 119.5

1 banana + 1 kiwi + 1/4 avocado - kiwi

Add in- 271 cals.  Smoothie total- 346.  CALS PER SERVING 173

Healthy add-ins (i like to have texture to my smoothies, makes me feel fuller)- ADD TO TOTAL SMOOTHIE THEN DIVIDE TOTAL BY 2 FOR SMOOTHIE TOTAL CALS!

1/4 c (28 raw unsalted) almonds- superfood- 167 cals

2 tsbp wheat germ- protien- 50 cals

1/4 c old fashioned oatmeal- fiber- 76.75 cals

1/4 c granola- 100 cal pack

Enjoy!

Stories...

My Momo

Some people never have a good, strong relationship with their granparents.  I can say, I only “knew” one of mine and that was my momo.  For as long as I can remember, she was there.  These next few minutes are going to consist of a compilation of stories. 

STORY 1

My grandma hated being called “grandma”.  Why?  I am not really sure.  All I know is when we moved from California to Mississippi in 1992, I would call her by grandma and she wouldn’t answer.  Not that she was purposely ignoring me…  But that wasn’t her name.  She wanted to be called momo and it is pronounced mawmaw with a short ah sound not a long one and definitely not moomoo like a cow sound.  Just sayin’- people get confused.

STORY 2

Anyways, my momo took me and my sister in when we flew back to MS, alone in 1992.  I have heard stories and seen pictures from previous years when I was around 4 that Kelly, my parents and me lived with her too, but I don’t remember that.  So she took us in once again, an 8 year old and a 10 year old while my dad drove from CA to MS.  Well, along the way he had a blood clot go thru his heart and nearly killed him and was hospitalized for a long time in Bakersfield, CA.  When they finally released him, they have him 2 years to live.  It is 2012 and he is still kicking.  Go figure…  8-10 years of med school, down the shitter haha. 

So anyways, she kept us for about gosh, 4 months until my dad got there.  Then we lived with him.  We would stay with my momo every other weekend and go to church every Sunday with her. She was putting us on the right path.  My dad on the other hand-  was/is an abusive alcoholic.  And one night I just got tired of it.  I called my momo to come get us.  She did without hesitation.  She kept us for 9 months while my dad went in rehab and worked with AA. 

During this time, a lot happened.  She is the one who led me to Christ.  She taught me everything I know (along with church) about the Bible and Jesus.  She would read her Bible every day.  She was a good role model.  I remember the night like it was yesterday.  I was praying in bed, and I remember being so upset, begging for Jesus to protect me, asking for forgiveness, I remember saying “I don’t want to burn forever”.  I was 11.  April 11, 1993 I was saved.  I remember being so upset and then suddenly I felt calm and at peace.  I felt a feeling I cannot even describe and I heard clear as day- “I am here”.  And that was it.  I sat straight up and looked around, bolted out of bed to my momo’s room.  She was sleeping (and she always had that darn pistol under her pillow!) So I knocked.  She woke and turned her light on and asked what was wrong.  I remember saying, nothing is wrong, I just got saved.  She cried and hugged me so tight.  I remember asking if Brother Jimmy (an old pastor) could baptize me?  Without pausing she called him at almost 11pm!  I was baptized a couple weeks later!  She was proud and so was I.

STORY 3

Another story was a funny one.  Bright red flare legged pants with white stitching.  Now I was in 6th grade!  When Girbaud, Guess, acid wash, zipper legged jeans were huge!  So were KEDS.  My momo…  ohhhhhh I was so mad at her.  Bought these fire engine red pants that had white stitching and were like flare boot cut legs.  NOT IN STYLE.  She made me wear them to school.  I was so embarrassed.  I wore them one time…  After that, when she would make me wear them, I would wear spandex shorts under (the only time I EVER wore spandex!) them and would change at school and then put the pants back on before I got home.  Gosh I hated those pants! 

And as for the KEDS.  The white ones were the in thing- right.  Well she found these multi colored ones, purple on top, blue on one side, green on the other and red on back.  WTF.  So what did I do?  My genious came out...  She would buy is dollar store white shoes...  I carefully used a box cutter and cut the KEDS symbol off and superglued it to my white shoes :)  and then mysteriously I "lost" the multi colored clown shoes :)

STORY 4

My momo went blind in one eye because her glaucoma spiked too high when she had shingles.  I don’t know exactly when this happened, but as long as I can remember she had a glass eye.  I remember when I first lived with her…  I thought it was cool and weird.  But most of all I remember trying to sneak around her on her blind side.   I know this was wrong, but there were so many times I would try to snatch one of her Little Debbie cakes after school!  I NEVER got away with it.  She always knew!  Even if she was in another room.  I never even got one in my hand, and I heard, “Katie…..”  That’s all it took.  Damn she was good.  She told me once, “If I can shoot to kill, I can darn sure see everything you do”.  Funny huh? 

Well what's even more funny is you could not scare her!  Even from her blind side!  I tried.  She always knew you were there.  No fun! I guess it is wrong trying to scare a half blind person not that I think about it, but she was a good sport :)

STORY 5

In 1996, my momo and my aunt Dusty became mine and Kelly’s legal guardian.  I lived with Dusty and Kelly lived with momo.  They only lived 1 mile apart, so we were all still close.  I remember being over momo’s and she was going thru her jewelry box in her top drawer.  We were chatting about her pieces…  She pulled out this white gold, small cocktail dinner ring. And told me about it.  It was the 1st ring my pawpaw, A.U., gave to her.  I was in love with it.  After she told me about all of them, she asked me which one did I want…  I picked the dinner ring from pawpaw.  It is like nothing I have ever seen before, it is vintage and small.  Has 3 tiny diamond chips.  I CAN’T EVEN DESCRIBE IT.  It is/was just so pretty.  She told me I would get it when I turned 16 (1998).  Then 18 for graduation (2000).  Then she changed her mind and said it is in her will.  Well, when she went in the nursing home (2011), my aunt divvyed out the will and sent the ring to me.  I wanted to cry when I opened it.  I love it so much and now, with her gone, I feel like I will always have a piece of her with me.  One day, I will pass it to one of my girls and I pray it stays in the family forever. 

STORY 6

The South in known for kinda making up it’s own language and my momo was a huge fan.  One of the funny ones was “get-on-out-of-here” pronounced “getohnouttahea”.  She would yell this in a very throaty manly voice at any animal coming into her yard or if her dog (toy poodle) came into the living room without permission.  It was so cute/funny, I would always chuckle.

STORY 7

I was in tech school in 2000.  I couldn’t make it home for Thanksgiving and I was upset.  I had talked to my dad and he and my sister were going to come down to see me, so I didn’t have to be alone.  The only thing besides family I was gonna miss was my momo’s sweet potato pie!  You have no idea how good this thing was.  TO THIS DAY I cant get enough of it!  It is so amazing.  I never ever buy them and cant eat anyone else’s!  Hers is the only one I will eat!  Spoiled I know!  So what did she do since I couldn’t come home?  Sent my dad with 2 PIES!  I was soooo happy!  She said one was for me and one for my friends!  Needless to day I gave 1 piece to my roommate who LOVED it too and I ate the rest of both pies!!!!  J

STORY 8

Over the years- I learned to be more forgiving because of momo. There were so many people who helped momo in her years and to them I am so very THANKFUL.  I know a couple people who momo relied on heavily and they helped without a gripe or complaint.  But there were many times, people acted as if she was a burden or pushed her to the side and that makes me sad.  I wish I culd have been there to help more and buffer her from that.  Imagine how it would feel to be somewhat incapacitated and be shoved aside.  SUCKS and she didn't deserve it.  There were many times I would call home after I left and joined the military, I would hear stories…  This person cussed her out over this.  This person acts like she’s a burden because she needs to go to town or the doctor…  this person is irritated because she calls tand complains.  So and so got in a fight with momo and said blah blah and yadda yadda.  And I would feel so bad, part of me wishing I was home to help and take care of her and part of me because people can be so selfish and so disrespectful.  But would that change how momo felt?  Nope.  She would be mad for a while and say “Im through!”  But she would forgive and move on.  Through her actions, she taught me it is more important to forgive and move on and takes up more energy being pissed all the time. 

I feel my momo had every right to bitch if she wanted to.  Granted I was not there all the time, but she had been in declining health for a while and I guess we all just took it for granted that she was gonna be around forever…  People say her death was sudden.  But was it?  I don’t think so.  I am happy for the relation ship I had with her.  I can honestly say, thru the last 10 years (AFTER TEEN AGE YEARS) I did my best to not fight with her, was not disrespectful, when I came home to visit, I did everything I could for her, I took her around as much as I could, I tried to make her feel important because she was.  The ONLY thing I regret is not being able to come home more…  Especially over the last 2 years when she was declining in health a lot.  I went home 1-2x a year, but it still didn’t feel like it was enough. I am so sad she is gone.  I want to be selfish and bring her back, but I know she is happy.  She is not hurting anymore. And for that I am thankful...  

There are SOOOO many more stories…  It’s so hard to think of them…  But these are the most prominent.   My momo was an amazing person.  She lived thru the Great Depression as a kid.  Her husband fought in WWII, she raised 5 kids and 5 grandkids and helped raise her great grandkids.  She was a mean cook and could make killer chicken and dumplins, sweet tater pie and green beans! 

She didn’t take shit from anyone but she was always a forgiver…  She was someone who would give you the shirt off her back and would pay you back even if it was 25 cents- because it was the principle of it!  She is where I learned forgiveness, principles and Christ.  She will always be a strong influence in who I am and I am proud of that.  I love her so very much and I will miss her until I see her again upstairs.  Xoxo.

My Momo

for those of you who don't know.  my momo and my aunt dusty were the biggest positive impacts on my and my sister kelly's life.  they became our legal guardians after a big mess with parents...  needless to say they raised us.

I've never had anyone so close to me die.  not someone I've had this sort of relationship with, not someone who was a parent to me.  it hurts.  to know that when i go home next- ill be visiting her grave and not getting to throw my arms around her neck and say I've missed you.  not getting to see the girls run up to hug her...  not being able to call every year and ask for that darn sweet tater pie recipe!  i could never remember that damn thing!  there are so many things I'm going to miss about her.  i can't even put into words...

i wish i could go home...  i wish i could just see her one more time.  i wish i woulda been able to talk to her on the phone one more time and to tell her how much i loved her and make sure she knew how much she meant to me.  

her funeral is wednesday and it hurts so bad not to be able to be there...  even just for that one day... just to see her again and tell her goodbye...

Why Didn't I Do This Sooner?

So, I am well into week 2 of my working out and man... I feel GREAT!  (imagine me using the Tony the Tiger voice).  I feel so super fantastic it is unbelievable!  Let me tell you a little why.

First, I was diagnosed like.....  IDK 8-10 years ago with anxiety disorder.  I would get so irritated so quickly, I didn't have lots of energy, I always was crabby about something, I snapped a lot at the kids, I wasn't able to hold my tongue, I lacked patience and I slowly stopped "playing" and having fun with the kids.  I was just here.  I worked, helped with school, took them to extracurricular activities, etc.

But since I've been working out AND eating a well balanced, whole grain, healthy diet- MAN!  Every bit of that has changed!  Most importantly PATIENCE and overall attitude!  I attribute those to things getting better- to taking care of the rest of the stuff!  I no longer let myself feel mad or pissed or irritated.  I am always in a good mood, my anxiety is next to nothing and I feel 5-7 years younger already!  I am beyond positive!  I can already see and feel a difference in my looks and everything!  And so can others!

It feels SOOOOO good to be on a healthy path and to have an awesome support system of friends and loved ones!  I usually hate jean shopping and I was in the BX today.  Passes a 50% off rack of jeans.  Something told me to look thru it.  I did and found 1 pair that was a size smaller than I was...  I decided to try them on, see how much smaller they were and maybe I would buy them as my next step down jeans.  Well, THEY FIT!  A little tight, but i can pull them up, button and zip, I can breath (LOL) and I can wear them!  OMG I was astonished to already be able to see that much of a difference.  Makes me want to just  want to work that much harder b/c I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!

Last week I lost 4.7 lbs 1 Jan-7 Jan.  And to put that into perspective, think about holding a 5 lb chunk of ground beef or a 5 lb bag of taters!!!!  YEAH!  And then think about having all that around your legs and tummy!  Thats what I'm thinking about! And it keeps me motivated!!!

I can honestly say, this is finally a track I can continue on.  Not just some FAD diet plan.  This is a life long change and I am onto a healthier, happier me!

Woohoo!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFjhmddDPRw  LOOK @ what 1 and 5 LBS of fat look like!

Loves to all!
Katie

JAN 1-JAN 7= -4.7 LBS
JAN 8-JAN 14=
JAN 15- JAN 21=
JAN 22- JAN 28=
------------------
FEB
------------------
MAR
------------------
APR
------------------

I Hope I Age Well...

Ok... So I just realized this is the year I turn the big 3-0.  OMG :(.  I seriously think I might freak out.  Well I know I will, I already am and it is still January.  I have about 13 weeks left in my 20's.  SHIT.

I am terrified.  IDK why.  I just hope I age well.  I don't want to be one of those moms who the kids are embarrassed over, what one those moms who looks ancient and she's not, or one of those moms who just isn't fun anymore...

I took the kids and one of their friends to the BX today.  As we were sitting there in the food court, I looked around and people watched for a bit.  You know you've done it too!  Some people pass and you think, man, I would love to have legs like that...  Others pass and you grimace on the inside and try not to let your face show it....  I told my friend the other day, all I need for motivation to get healthy is to go to the BX and watch.  IDK why here, but there are so many women/wives who seem to let themselves go.  Maybe b/c it is lack of jobs here and most are stay at home moms, but still...  Whether you work or not, you should still take pride in how you look, no matter what (I feel at least).  

Anyways, my point I was getting at was this...  Some women you think may be older- but look really good/young for their age.  And some look a lot older than they actually are.  I saw one girl today...  She was probably in her late 20's, early 30's but dressed like she was 50, and overall looked upper 40's...  That sucks.  I wanna be one of those people who look good for her age, but I wanna look the part.  Confident, classy, and well put together. My goal is to lose the 40lbs and then buy a new wardrobe!  With this wardrobe I wanna put together stuff like this (still keeping some hoodies and all too though for lazy days!):

  

And pumps!  I've never been able to wear them b/c of the military, but I would love to start!!!

And of course- flats :) I could NEVER have enough flats!

   

And OF COURSE... Purses! Though I was never a purse girl before, I love these and could easily become one :)))

I like the military purses!  I like the 1st one b/c it says ___ Wife.  and the wording on the bottom!  I love the layout of the 2nd with those 2 things from 1st purse on 2nd!  Super uber C-U-T-E!!!

Anyways, turning 30 to me is I guess a make or break type thing.  It represents getting older...  And though I don't mind getting older... I just wanna look good doing it lol!  Inside and out!  I wanna be fit, healthy, sophisticated, classy, educated, and confident!  I don't think that's too much to ask nor will it be hard.  Just gotta meet my first goal- losing the lbs and then it's game on :)

Loves to all.
Katie

Almost NORMAL!- Well As Normal As I Can Get :)

So, I just called today to get my blood results from Tuesday's bloodwork for my HCG levels.  They are down to 15.15 !!!!!!  I am soooooo excited and happy!  I was just telling Paul how this week I feel like me again!  I feel like I am back to normal- well normal with my hormone levels at least :))))

I have to go get it drawn one more time on Monday to verify it is below 5 and then that's it!  Then this whole ordeal can be put in the past.  That also means I am healthy enough for Paul and I to start trying again!  Yay!!!  Well once he gets home again in Feb!

During the time he is gone I am working on me.  Working out, changing my eating habits and really making an overhaul of myself!  So far- I am doing great!  I've been working out to Jillian's 30 Day Shred every morning, making weekly breakfast,lunch,dinner menus and shopping off of them, eating off of healthy cooking websites and drinking more water!  So far, since 1 Jan 2012 I am down 6 lbs!  I'm averaging a pound a day.  I know it will taper off, but it's a great start!  I am feeling awesome and stronger already and I have a ton more energy!!!

Also, while Paul is gone, we are dog sitting a boston terrier named Major for some friends. He is amazing.  I love this dog and so do the kids!  Emily is currently chasing him around the apartment and he is loving it.  He is sliding all over the tile floors smiling, stopping and looking at her and then playing like a tease!  Such a cutie!  Can't wait til we find him a girlfriend so his owners can pimp him out so we can get a puppy!!!!

Anyways, I start class again too!  Jan 16th!  Changed my major to BS in Social Science and I am gonna try and focus on Sociology!  I love it!  I can't wait!

Oh well, gotta go!

Anyways, this blog will be short b/c well, that's all I have for now :)

Loves to all!
Katie

2011...2012...

Well, it is officially 2012!  For me anyways :)  my time change and all.  I see that people like to do a reflection is their previous year and I am no different.  Let me start by saying I have a lot to be grateful for!  And I am truly blessed and I do feel that way.  But taking it all into consideration, lets boil it down.

2011...
Nov 1, you gave me the hope of life growing inside my belly.  A life created by me and Paul.  A baby we wanted so badly.  We instantly loved from the moment we saw 2 pink lines...
Nov 24, 2011...  You took something from me I will never get back. Paul and I found out my pregnancy was miscarried, then only to really find out days later it was actually ectopic. At 7 weeks 3 days we ended up losing the baby we wanted so badly.  And for that I will never forget the saddest moments of my life.  There is a void inside that will never be filled, a part of me & him in Heaven, and one day we will meet.

2011...  You also brought me some of the most joyous moments of my life!
3 June 2011...  Paul surprises me and the girls by coming home early from Korea!  With the help of  his best friend, Kyle- he and Paul strolled into my house just as I was about to leave!!!!  INSANE!
10 June 2011...  I married my best friend and the love of my life.  I feel I have been given many chances in life with love... And I finally know and feel like I got it right!  I haven't ever been happier and each day feels like a blessing.
28 June 2011...  I was medically retired from the Air Force after 10 years of service.  I am so happy for that gift, to be able to spend more time with my kids and not fear one deployments and time away anymore.
10 August 2011...  Had to say goodbye to family and friends and my buffalo :(((
But the girls and I moved to Germany!!!!  So far we are loving it!  Traveling and all is great and the area is awesome...  Food too! (And we are able to Skype with family and my buffalo :)))
29 August 2011...  Madison starts 3rd grade and I homeschool Emmy!  Both are so incredibly smart it is unbelievable!  I am so very proud of them both!
August-September 2011...  Made some awesome new friends :)
HOIDAY SEASON 2011- was great!  I baked more than ever, spent some amazing time with friends and saw a couple Christmas markets!  Traveled to Belgium and saw the world renowned Ice Fest!  Had out first official family Christmas and rang in the New Year cuddled in bed with my love.

2011 has been an eventful year!  A year that will not soon (or ever) be forgotten!  Many blessings to you and yours in the new, upcoming year... 2012!

xoxo
loves to all
Katie

The Longest Month of My Life...

So tomorrow (24 Dec- Christmas Eve), it will officially be 1 month since the worst news of my life.  It has really been the longest, hardest month to get past.  And what sucks even more, is it all started at the beginning of my favorite time of year, the holiday season.  Kinda put a damper on the holidays this year...  And I'm sure next year will be a little tough too, but all in all, I'm sure it will get easier with time.

Kinda sucks...  A lot oF my friends here are preggers and I can't help but feel sad and envious at the same time.  I have a friend who just had a baby and I wanna see her, but haven't brought myself to go yet...  And another friend who found out she was preg 10 days before I did.  She just had her first ultrasound and mine was supposed to be 3 days later...  She is already feeling the baby move she told me.  It's cool and I am beyond happy for all my friends, but idk, I can't help but feel like- that should be me too.  In time I guess....

Paul leaves again soon (less  than 2 weeks) and it makes me sad.  I hate when he leaves...  Honestly I'm kinda paranoid now...  I don't want him to leave in fear something else insane might happen.  He is my rock and I have leaned on him so much the last month... I still have my days.  They are fewer and further between my crying episodes.  But they still happen.  Just writing this and realizing its been 1 month is making me sad and teary.

Only time will heal things I know.  Just sucks to want something SO bad, get it, then have it taken away...  God had other plans for our angel.  Hopefully he knows how much he was loved and wanted...  (I say he b/c in my gut I know it was a boy...)

Loves to all.
Katie

The Weight Has Lifted...

So it has been some time (2 weeks) since my last post.  For good reason.  With everything going on, I was just overwhelmed.  Not to mention I was in my last 2 weeks of school and finals, yadda yadda.  It's been a helluva month.

But, over the last 2-3 weeks, here's what happened. 

Nov 26 : They never did locate the "baby" or placenta or anything.  I questioned whether my brain was causing a chemical pregnancy and the doctor ruled that out based on my hormone levels (were over 3400, chemical pregnancies usually stay around or under 100) and the ultrasound on my right ovary (showed it was the one that the pregnancy came from).  She put my mind at ease so I didn't feel like I was insane and doing this all myself.  But they were still baffled as to why they didn't see ANYTHING anywhere in my uterus, ovaries, tubes, abdomen, anything.  She was really worried it was growing somewhere that could really harm be (by rupturing and causing internal bleeding- causing a 50/50 probability of dying).  So NATURALLY I was freaked out.  Every little pain I was wondering about, every bit of anything, I was on edge for.   So she told me my options.  1. to wait it out (uh no.) and 2. to get a shot of methotrexate.  This is a drug used in chemo therapy to stop rapidly dividing cells (usually cancer) but in my case and others like mine, used to stop whatever is growing. I opted for #2 as did Paul.   It was hard and all I could think is "I'm killing whatever is inside me" and it hurt.  I felt horrible, but there was no way whatever/wherever it was would have been viable.  

Nov 27 : I got my 1st set of shots.  Ugh.  Ouchie.  I slept for most of the day after that and then for the next 2 days I felt horrible.  Nauseous, sick, sleepy, headaches, eyes burned.  It was yuck!  Then Thursday (day 4) was my lab blood date.

Dec 1  : I get labs done and my levels rose to 5200.  I was upset and more scared b/c it was still growing and putting my life endanger.  FML.

Dec 3:  Night my right side hurts, pretty bad.  Bu it isn't unbearable...  So I wait.

Dec 4: Lab date.  Levels rose to 6600.  I am freaking.  My dr is kinda spazzing.  She opts or another dose of the methotrexate, but cautions us that if I start hurting to come in ASAP.  So pins and needles.   

Dec 8:  Lab date.  Levels.........  FINALLY DROP!  to 5400.  Whew.  I am so happy and thankful.  

Dec 11:  Lab date again!  LEVELS @ 3200!!!  I am even feeling better.
Now since they are falling like they should, I have to get my levels checked every Monday until I am below 5, which hopefully should take 3 weeks or less!

In the mean time, I feel a lot better.  I had one night where I just completely, emotionally and physically broke down.  That was my rock bottom.  That was my point where I'd had enough.  But since that night, I have felt a lot better.  I feel like I can grieve.  I feel we will be able to move on.  There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel and I can see it.

My best friends, Jen and Sam, sent me the most amazing gift.  I got a silver charm bracelet with 2 charms on it.  An "F" and a rocking horse with 2 little diamonds.  The horse is for baby and the F is for Fulmer.  In remembrance of our baby.  I wear it everyday and will cherish it always.

So, hopefully, things will only get better and back to normal for us!  My Christmas wish (previous post) seems to be coming true :)  Thank you to everyone, friends and family who were there for us during this difficult time.  Your love, friendship and support has meant the world to me, Paul and the girls!  xoxo

Loves to all.
Katie

God Grant Me the Serenity...

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.


For some reason, as I was playing Words with Friends the first line popped into my head.  I didn't know the whole thing, so I googled it.  And as I read it, tears filled my eyes.  It is everything I have felt this week and continue to feel.  


A thing about me is this...  I have a hard time facing difficult things.  I tend to just get super numb and then they fade off into the distance.  It has worked for me in the past with many different issues.  Though I know this is not a right way of coping, it works for me.  And with the events over the last 10 days and that continue to happen, I have embraced this time tested technique.  


And it is completely failing me...


I try to be ok.  Things will be fine.  Things have been bearable.  I felt like we were coping.  Then the world decided to pull my rug from under me, drop me on my ass and say- screw this- I'm not going away.  


Tonight was supposed to be our fun Christmas night.  Everything was ok.  I have been more on edge and more of a roller coaster with everything and Ive been trying to hide it from the kids.  I am trying to stay strong and not let them see the hurt.  Trying to stay strong for Paul, to show him I am ok and he doesn't have to worry.  


But as the night unfolded, I saw just how much the girls actually have been feeding off of my so-called hidden emotions.  They aren't so hidden.  I feel like subconsciously everyone is feeding off of each other and everyone is wound up so tight with no outlet.  I feel like the kids don't know their emotions are being influenced by mine and when something happens, they just snap.  I know sometimes it is kids being kids and all, but it has only been this bad over the last week.  And tonight I think I understand why.  


As I stood there in the shower, trying to talk to Paul about it, I feel broken.  I feel like I've let him down and especially the kids.  And myself.  I felt this hurt tonight that I haven't felt in a really long time.  Feelings like this are the reason I have chosen to cope the way I do b/c I'm tired of the hurt.  I don't want to feel that way.  I don't want to feel vulnerable and not in control.  I don't want to feel broken.  And yet, as hard as I have been trying to act fine and be ok and all for everyone else on the outside, I can't hide my hurt anymore.  


I'm angry.  I'm sad. I don't like not understanding or being in control.  I don't like being vulnerable.  I don't like bobbing around waiting on test after test and get results that are devastating to hear and to feel like this nightmare will never end.  How can I even start to grieve or heal when the nightmare is still here?  How can Paul cope and deal and help support me and us move on when it isn't going away?  I just don't understand what I (we) did to deserve this.  


So being real, life sucks right now.  All I want for Christmas is for everything to be normal again. I want peace within and for my family.  I want the "SERENITY" in the 1st line. Is that really too much to ask for?  

Day By Day & Hug by Hug

So I know everyone copes and deals differently and in case you didn't get it already, my source for coping is writing.  I like to write b/c I feel I can express myself through words and more people can be touched than my me repeating the story 100 times (and that would also be horribly hard).  So here is another post...  

So in the couple days since my last post, the meds seem to be working.  I have some side effects already, but nothing severe.  

Yesterday we went to the BX to get a few things.  My dumbass isn't paying attention to where I am walking and walk right thru the baby section.  This was difficult.  The store is packed, people are everywhere, I'm walking thru- eyes full, face getting red (I can feel it) and trying not to rush so much as to leave Paul and the girls.  But I had to get out of that section.  Tears falling left and right and all I wanna do is run and hide.  But I can't.  The girls are behind me with Paul.  I compose myself, pass the section (fast) then turn to smile at them and say catch up :)

Emily asked when is the baby going to come back?  That was a doozie.  (knife in heart and twist) I know she didn't mean harm.  I told her it isn't.  I said "The baby had to go to Heaven early to be with God so He could watch after him for me and Paul."  She said "so the baby is with God right now?"  I said "yeah, he is"  She just looked at me kinda confused and said "oh".  I told her we would have another one sometime.  She then said "well I want a brother".  That made me smile b/c in the past she only wanted a sister! :)

Today was ok.  I felt as good as I could I guess.  With the meds that were shot in my ass, I'm as good as good could be.  The meds are making me tired, crampy and I have headaches a lot.  But I will survive.  

I didn't cry today.  So that was a first.  Paul got a half day to help me with some stuff since i don't like doing medical crap and appts by myself b/c of all this.  He has been amazing.  I am so incredibly thankful he is home.  This has been hard, but having each other to fall back on, to cry to, to hold, to talk to and just to cuddle with has been better therapy than anything I could pay for!  

I have read that situations like this are hard on a marriage, they strain the relationship... Not in our case, if anything we are growing even stronger.   I don't doubt anything in our relationship or worry about it.  

I have also read that one's bond/ relationship with God is tested.  And I will say, I did not once BLAME God.  I did ask, why me a couple times.  I feel that is just human nature.  But I don't blame Him.  A friend posted on my wall- this statement:

"Life is the classroom, the bible is your textbook, and God is your teacher. When you're going through a hard time; that is your test that He gives you. During those hard times when you're praying and you feel like God isn't answering your prayers, just remember...the teacher doesn't answer questions during the test. Prayers n blessings, stay strong girl!"

That was probably the most awesome thing I've read or heard during this whole ordeal.  

Besides Paul saying it will be ok.  :)

I am so thankful (you guys honestly have NO IDEA) for my many friends and family who support and encourage us daily, and continue to do so!  I love each and everyone of you.  

The days are long and it is still the beginning of our healing, but it will pass in time.  We will heal and move on.  And one day, hopefully God will bless us with a baby again.  

Until then...  We continue to take it day by day.  

Loves to all

Katie