Controlling My Control.

Well, these last couple months (especially the last few weeks) have been very eye opening for me.  I have had a couple of AH HA moments, epiphanies, if you will... Please bear with this long post and read it to the end...  Many of you will be glad you did..

First, I am not perfect, I am human.

With that being said, many of you who know me, see me all put together in a polished package, doing my thing, being a mom, student, wife, like I have it all together...  Well--- newsflash--- I don't.  I liked to think I had it all together, I liked to think- yeah my life is pretty perfect, when it isn't...  Not because of anyone else, but because of myself...  Let me explain...

**Disclaimer** I am NOT looking for a pity party, I am not looking for the "oh I'm so sorry" comments, I am simply stating items as a matter of fact...

I grew up in an alcoholic & drug abusive home, filled with physical, verbal, emotional and even some sexual abuse.  I learned very quickly that manipulation can "get you what you want" and had to grow up very fast to look after my siblings.  I don't remember much about childhood, except the abuse, being taken away from my mother (while dad was in jail) and entering a foster home for 3 weeks (until he got out) with my sister at the age of 10.

After that time, we lived with my father, where everything continued the same path until I was 14.  My aunt and grandmother took me and my sister in, provided us with the guidance, morals, respect and love they could.  They did a great job and without them- IDK where I would be...

At the age of 15 1/2, I decided I needed structure, more than what my aunt and grandmother were giving me.  I decided I would join the military.  The sense of discipline, self respect, structure appealed to me and I took the plunge.

But all the mental and emotional effects of the abuse had already taken it's toll on my mental state...  Growing up in a home with no control, no sense of safety, no sense of self worth, no rules, nothing left me feeling very, very vulnerable.  So, besides joining the military and trying to find my way, what did I do?  I started controlling the things I had the power to control and if I didn't have the power- I would use manipulation to wrangle it the way I wanted (another form of control).  This worked really well and I became extremely good at it.  So good, in fact, controlling became second nature.

Honestly, (and I have never admitted this to anyone until now- well it really dawned on me today) I had been blaming the end of my 1st marriage on many things, everything except what the real issue was...  And I didn't know what that issue was until now- control.  See my ex and I grew up in a similar lifestyle with the alcohol and the abuse with his father (not mother)...  And in acknowledging my control issues today made me realize we were one in the same (sort of) in the sense we were both fighting for control, just in different ways.  I can't speak for him, but on my end- my need to control drove us apart and ultimately helped end our marriage (wasn't 100% but probably 80%).

Now, fast forward to present day, mostly the same issues on my end- I like to control and when I can't or things feel like they are spiraling downward, what happens?  I get stressed, panic, freak out, yell, get irritable, manipulate, and try to control my control even more- with it continuing on the downward path.

Now, I am not a bad person, bad mom or bad wife.  I am good at all of those- I just have never understood (until recently) that my issue is CONTROL or losing control.  And not understanding that has been extremely hard b/c I always just thought "something is just wrong with me"...  When in fact- I AM A NATURAL PRODUCT OF HOW I GREW UP...

People chose to handle things many different ways...  Some people with similar situations may turn to substance abuse, others may be harder on themselves, many will use coping mechanisms to try and deal with their pain, emotions, issues... I developed a sense to control... Control everything around me, control others, be a part of many things to try and help control, I do many things myself because I don't want to hand over the reigns to others... Not b/c they aren't capable, but because I want the satisfaction of feeling the control.  Sounds pretty morbid :(

I am not the only person like this...  I used to blame it on - oh I am just a type A personality...  When in reality, my personality and mental state are a direct outcome of my upbringing and how I chose (knowingly or not) to deal with life...

I have come to the realization now- this isn't ok.   Spazzing out over things I cannot control isn't ok.  Yelling at the kids or Paul because they didn't do something the "right way" (Katie's way) isn't right.  Focusing more on everything and everyone rather than myself- isn't good.

Madison left to go stay with her dad for 7 months mainly because we fought all the time...  Why?  Because she was "defying" me.  She was argumentative and pushed against things...  Not that everything she said or did was "wrong" (sometimes it was), but sometimes it was just a different way of thinking or doing or whatever and it didn't line up with my way- so we would start fighting...  Where did that get me?  With my girls split (Emily stayed with me and Madison in GA) and me left wondering WTF?! (and letting Madison go was one of the hardest things I have ever done- it was in a sense giving up the control.)

Paul and I are an incredible couple.  We really are.  We share a love that is beyond anything I could ever imagine...  One problem...  You guessed it.. My controlling-ness is creeping barging in...  Nothing major is going on, but enough for us both to notice and see this isn't how we want to be.

Well guess what %^&^!  It was me all along...  Really...  I can't blame other people because I need to take ownership of my faults.  I have tried in the past to take ownership and thought by saying "I'm sorry" I was doing just that, but it wasn't.  Taking true ownership of the problem requires you to understand the problem in which you have...  I didn't- until now.  Until this day- March 18, 2014...
And I can't say people haven't told me or tried...  Paul and my ex both have told me...  Numerous times each...  But I just didn't understand the "what" part of what my issue was...  Having someone TELL you what YOUR issue is isn't nearly as humbling as the ah ha moment you get when you realize exactly what they mean...

You may or may not relate.. You may or may not understand...  It isn't about judging, it is about realizing that not everyone handles adversity the same, not everyone copes the same...  People are unique in how they process information and how they chose (consciously or unconsciously) to channel that information...

We are all just people, humans...  Capable of errors and full of imperfections...

With this, I hope my close friends and family will support me in my journey to the life where I don't feel the need to control every.single.thing.in.sight....  It will be a bumpy road, I know...  but understanding the problem, I can now fix it...

Love Always,
Katie

The Meaning of Christmas...

So since the holidays have passed, I've been thinking about what I could have done differently, had i been stateside.  One of my favorite things to do (as those of you who know me know), I love to volunteer at shelters, animal shelters, soup kitchens, anywhere I feel like i can bring a smile to someone's face and help them.

So I came up with an idea.  Since we are headed back stateside in July, we will be there for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.  I know this is a time for family, friends and gifts.  But the real meaning if often lost, and I'm not talking about religiously.  Because there are so many religious denominations all over, that celebrating and emphasizing just ONE out of all of them, just doesn't see right to me.  But, one thing almost ALL of them have in common is LOVE.

The holiday seasons brings a sense of love and togetherness and that often gets lost in the commercialism the media and companies have put on the season.  So why not fight back to bring love and togetherness back to the center of the season?

My idea is simple.  Not to completely boycott Christmas, but to significantly scale it down.  Santa can still bring his 2 gifts (though not expensive).  But family gifts, we can put the money we would have spent on gifts towards something to help others.  I am thinking about helping those in need.  Not only could we volunteer on the holidays in the soup kitchens or shelters, but why not give them gifts?  

Why not make backpacks for the homeless?  What would you make them with?  Well the thrift stores have backpacks for $1-$3, you can fill with non perishables you buy on sale, some hygiene items and a thrift store blanket.  You could do all this for under $20 per back pack.  We usually spend about $500-$600 on gifts for both girls, so that would mean about 25-30 backpacks.

Or maybe just buying new clothing/toys on sale, wrapping them and then taking them to a shelter?  When stores are transitioning between seasons, you can pick up some clothing and items and rock bottom prices!  You can even find new with tag type items at thrift stores and consignment shops!

Some of you may think I'm crazy for even entertaining the idea of no presents for kids on Christmas, but Christmas isn't about gifts- at least not material gifts really- it's about love for one another.  And by helping out those in need, you are showing them they still matter, they are still part of our society, they are still loved.  Many homeless people feel society has forgotten about them, and in many cases it is true.  But why not just do something that will make an impact?  Even if it is one time?

Like I said, this is an idea I am toying with.  I have wanted to scale down Christmas and focus more emphasis on giving back for a while now, but never knew how or what do put our energy towards...  But I think gifts for others is a good way to start.

I saw this weekend a "pay it forward" event where people would do something nice in hopes the next person would do a nice act for another.  This is a great idea and if everyone did this, every day- one nice thing- think of how much of a positive impact that would make in our communities!  Little things go a long way!

Think about it.

Katie :)

Stories...

My Momo

Some people never have a good, strong relationship with their granparents.  I can say, I only “knew” one of mine and that was my momo.  For as long as I can remember, she was there.  These next few minutes are going to consist of a compilation of stories. 

STORY 1

My grandma hated being called “grandma”.  Why?  I am not really sure.  All I know is when we moved from California to Mississippi in 1992, I would call her by grandma and she wouldn’t answer.  Not that she was purposely ignoring me…  But that wasn’t her name.  She wanted to be called momo and it is pronounced mawmaw with a short ah sound not a long one and definitely not moomoo like a cow sound.  Just sayin’- people get confused.

STORY 2

Anyways, my momo took me and my sister in when we flew back to MS, alone in 1992.  I have heard stories and seen pictures from previous years when I was around 4 that Kelly, my parents and me lived with her too, but I don’t remember that.  So she took us in once again, an 8 year old and a 10 year old while my dad drove from CA to MS.  Well, along the way he had a blood clot go thru his heart and nearly killed him and was hospitalized for a long time in Bakersfield, CA.  When they finally released him, they have him 2 years to live.  It is 2012 and he is still kicking.  Go figure…  8-10 years of med school, down the shitter haha. 

So anyways, she kept us for about gosh, 4 months until my dad got there.  Then we lived with him.  We would stay with my momo every other weekend and go to church every Sunday with her. She was putting us on the right path.  My dad on the other hand-  was/is an abusive alcoholic.  And one night I just got tired of it.  I called my momo to come get us.  She did without hesitation.  She kept us for 9 months while my dad went in rehab and worked with AA. 

During this time, a lot happened.  She is the one who led me to Christ.  She taught me everything I know (along with church) about the Bible and Jesus.  She would read her Bible every day.  She was a good role model.  I remember the night like it was yesterday.  I was praying in bed, and I remember being so upset, begging for Jesus to protect me, asking for forgiveness, I remember saying “I don’t want to burn forever”.  I was 11.  April 11, 1993 I was saved.  I remember being so upset and then suddenly I felt calm and at peace.  I felt a feeling I cannot even describe and I heard clear as day- “I am here”.  And that was it.  I sat straight up and looked around, bolted out of bed to my momo’s room.  She was sleeping (and she always had that darn pistol under her pillow!) So I knocked.  She woke and turned her light on and asked what was wrong.  I remember saying, nothing is wrong, I just got saved.  She cried and hugged me so tight.  I remember asking if Brother Jimmy (an old pastor) could baptize me?  Without pausing she called him at almost 11pm!  I was baptized a couple weeks later!  She was proud and so was I.

STORY 3

Another story was a funny one.  Bright red flare legged pants with white stitching.  Now I was in 6th grade!  When Girbaud, Guess, acid wash, zipper legged jeans were huge!  So were KEDS.  My momo…  ohhhhhh I was so mad at her.  Bought these fire engine red pants that had white stitching and were like flare boot cut legs.  NOT IN STYLE.  She made me wear them to school.  I was so embarrassed.  I wore them one time…  After that, when she would make me wear them, I would wear spandex shorts under (the only time I EVER wore spandex!) them and would change at school and then put the pants back on before I got home.  Gosh I hated those pants! 

And as for the KEDS.  The white ones were the in thing- right.  Well she found these multi colored ones, purple on top, blue on one side, green on the other and red on back.  WTF.  So what did I do?  My genious came out...  She would buy is dollar store white shoes...  I carefully used a box cutter and cut the KEDS symbol off and superglued it to my white shoes :)  and then mysteriously I "lost" the multi colored clown shoes :)

STORY 4

My momo went blind in one eye because her glaucoma spiked too high when she had shingles.  I don’t know exactly when this happened, but as long as I can remember she had a glass eye.  I remember when I first lived with her…  I thought it was cool and weird.  But most of all I remember trying to sneak around her on her blind side.   I know this was wrong, but there were so many times I would try to snatch one of her Little Debbie cakes after school!  I NEVER got away with it.  She always knew!  Even if she was in another room.  I never even got one in my hand, and I heard, “Katie…..”  That’s all it took.  Damn she was good.  She told me once, “If I can shoot to kill, I can darn sure see everything you do”.  Funny huh? 

Well what's even more funny is you could not scare her!  Even from her blind side!  I tried.  She always knew you were there.  No fun! I guess it is wrong trying to scare a half blind person not that I think about it, but she was a good sport :)

STORY 5

In 1996, my momo and my aunt Dusty became mine and Kelly’s legal guardian.  I lived with Dusty and Kelly lived with momo.  They only lived 1 mile apart, so we were all still close.  I remember being over momo’s and she was going thru her jewelry box in her top drawer.  We were chatting about her pieces…  She pulled out this white gold, small cocktail dinner ring. And told me about it.  It was the 1st ring my pawpaw, A.U., gave to her.  I was in love with it.  After she told me about all of them, she asked me which one did I want…  I picked the dinner ring from pawpaw.  It is like nothing I have ever seen before, it is vintage and small.  Has 3 tiny diamond chips.  I CAN’T EVEN DESCRIBE IT.  It is/was just so pretty.  She told me I would get it when I turned 16 (1998).  Then 18 for graduation (2000).  Then she changed her mind and said it is in her will.  Well, when she went in the nursing home (2011), my aunt divvyed out the will and sent the ring to me.  I wanted to cry when I opened it.  I love it so much and now, with her gone, I feel like I will always have a piece of her with me.  One day, I will pass it to one of my girls and I pray it stays in the family forever. 

STORY 6

The South in known for kinda making up it’s own language and my momo was a huge fan.  One of the funny ones was “get-on-out-of-here” pronounced “getohnouttahea”.  She would yell this in a very throaty manly voice at any animal coming into her yard or if her dog (toy poodle) came into the living room without permission.  It was so cute/funny, I would always chuckle.

STORY 7

I was in tech school in 2000.  I couldn’t make it home for Thanksgiving and I was upset.  I had talked to my dad and he and my sister were going to come down to see me, so I didn’t have to be alone.  The only thing besides family I was gonna miss was my momo’s sweet potato pie!  You have no idea how good this thing was.  TO THIS DAY I cant get enough of it!  It is so amazing.  I never ever buy them and cant eat anyone else’s!  Hers is the only one I will eat!  Spoiled I know!  So what did she do since I couldn’t come home?  Sent my dad with 2 PIES!  I was soooo happy!  She said one was for me and one for my friends!  Needless to day I gave 1 piece to my roommate who LOVED it too and I ate the rest of both pies!!!!  J

STORY 8

Over the years- I learned to be more forgiving because of momo. There were so many people who helped momo in her years and to them I am so very THANKFUL.  I know a couple people who momo relied on heavily and they helped without a gripe or complaint.  But there were many times, people acted as if she was a burden or pushed her to the side and that makes me sad.  I wish I culd have been there to help more and buffer her from that.  Imagine how it would feel to be somewhat incapacitated and be shoved aside.  SUCKS and she didn't deserve it.  There were many times I would call home after I left and joined the military, I would hear stories…  This person cussed her out over this.  This person acts like she’s a burden because she needs to go to town or the doctor…  this person is irritated because she calls tand complains.  So and so got in a fight with momo and said blah blah and yadda yadda.  And I would feel so bad, part of me wishing I was home to help and take care of her and part of me because people can be so selfish and so disrespectful.  But would that change how momo felt?  Nope.  She would be mad for a while and say “Im through!”  But she would forgive and move on.  Through her actions, she taught me it is more important to forgive and move on and takes up more energy being pissed all the time. 

I feel my momo had every right to bitch if she wanted to.  Granted I was not there all the time, but she had been in declining health for a while and I guess we all just took it for granted that she was gonna be around forever…  People say her death was sudden.  But was it?  I don’t think so.  I am happy for the relation ship I had with her.  I can honestly say, thru the last 10 years (AFTER TEEN AGE YEARS) I did my best to not fight with her, was not disrespectful, when I came home to visit, I did everything I could for her, I took her around as much as I could, I tried to make her feel important because she was.  The ONLY thing I regret is not being able to come home more…  Especially over the last 2 years when she was declining in health a lot.  I went home 1-2x a year, but it still didn’t feel like it was enough. I am so sad she is gone.  I want to be selfish and bring her back, but I know she is happy.  She is not hurting anymore. And for that I am thankful...  

There are SOOOO many more stories…  It’s so hard to think of them…  But these are the most prominent.   My momo was an amazing person.  She lived thru the Great Depression as a kid.  Her husband fought in WWII, she raised 5 kids and 5 grandkids and helped raise her great grandkids.  She was a mean cook and could make killer chicken and dumplins, sweet tater pie and green beans! 

She didn’t take shit from anyone but she was always a forgiver…  She was someone who would give you the shirt off her back and would pay you back even if it was 25 cents- because it was the principle of it!  She is where I learned forgiveness, principles and Christ.  She will always be a strong influence in who I am and I am proud of that.  I love her so very much and I will miss her until I see her again upstairs.  Xoxo.