Controlling My Control.

Well, these last couple months (especially the last few weeks) have been very eye opening for me.  I have had a couple of AH HA moments, epiphanies, if you will... Please bear with this long post and read it to the end...  Many of you will be glad you did..

First, I am not perfect, I am human.

With that being said, many of you who know me, see me all put together in a polished package, doing my thing, being a mom, student, wife, like I have it all together...  Well--- newsflash--- I don't.  I liked to think I had it all together, I liked to think- yeah my life is pretty perfect, when it isn't...  Not because of anyone else, but because of myself...  Let me explain...

**Disclaimer** I am NOT looking for a pity party, I am not looking for the "oh I'm so sorry" comments, I am simply stating items as a matter of fact...

I grew up in an alcoholic & drug abusive home, filled with physical, verbal, emotional and even some sexual abuse.  I learned very quickly that manipulation can "get you what you want" and had to grow up very fast to look after my siblings.  I don't remember much about childhood, except the abuse, being taken away from my mother (while dad was in jail) and entering a foster home for 3 weeks (until he got out) with my sister at the age of 10.

After that time, we lived with my father, where everything continued the same path until I was 14.  My aunt and grandmother took me and my sister in, provided us with the guidance, morals, respect and love they could.  They did a great job and without them- IDK where I would be...

At the age of 15 1/2, I decided I needed structure, more than what my aunt and grandmother were giving me.  I decided I would join the military.  The sense of discipline, self respect, structure appealed to me and I took the plunge.

But all the mental and emotional effects of the abuse had already taken it's toll on my mental state...  Growing up in a home with no control, no sense of safety, no sense of self worth, no rules, nothing left me feeling very, very vulnerable.  So, besides joining the military and trying to find my way, what did I do?  I started controlling the things I had the power to control and if I didn't have the power- I would use manipulation to wrangle it the way I wanted (another form of control).  This worked really well and I became extremely good at it.  So good, in fact, controlling became second nature.

Honestly, (and I have never admitted this to anyone until now- well it really dawned on me today) I had been blaming the end of my 1st marriage on many things, everything except what the real issue was...  And I didn't know what that issue was until now- control.  See my ex and I grew up in a similar lifestyle with the alcohol and the abuse with his father (not mother)...  And in acknowledging my control issues today made me realize we were one in the same (sort of) in the sense we were both fighting for control, just in different ways.  I can't speak for him, but on my end- my need to control drove us apart and ultimately helped end our marriage (wasn't 100% but probably 80%).

Now, fast forward to present day, mostly the same issues on my end- I like to control and when I can't or things feel like they are spiraling downward, what happens?  I get stressed, panic, freak out, yell, get irritable, manipulate, and try to control my control even more- with it continuing on the downward path.

Now, I am not a bad person, bad mom or bad wife.  I am good at all of those- I just have never understood (until recently) that my issue is CONTROL or losing control.  And not understanding that has been extremely hard b/c I always just thought "something is just wrong with me"...  When in fact- I AM A NATURAL PRODUCT OF HOW I GREW UP...

People chose to handle things many different ways...  Some people with similar situations may turn to substance abuse, others may be harder on themselves, many will use coping mechanisms to try and deal with their pain, emotions, issues... I developed a sense to control... Control everything around me, control others, be a part of many things to try and help control, I do many things myself because I don't want to hand over the reigns to others... Not b/c they aren't capable, but because I want the satisfaction of feeling the control.  Sounds pretty morbid :(

I am not the only person like this...  I used to blame it on - oh I am just a type A personality...  When in reality, my personality and mental state are a direct outcome of my upbringing and how I chose (knowingly or not) to deal with life...

I have come to the realization now- this isn't ok.   Spazzing out over things I cannot control isn't ok.  Yelling at the kids or Paul because they didn't do something the "right way" (Katie's way) isn't right.  Focusing more on everything and everyone rather than myself- isn't good.

Madison left to go stay with her dad for 7 months mainly because we fought all the time...  Why?  Because she was "defying" me.  She was argumentative and pushed against things...  Not that everything she said or did was "wrong" (sometimes it was), but sometimes it was just a different way of thinking or doing or whatever and it didn't line up with my way- so we would start fighting...  Where did that get me?  With my girls split (Emily stayed with me and Madison in GA) and me left wondering WTF?! (and letting Madison go was one of the hardest things I have ever done- it was in a sense giving up the control.)

Paul and I are an incredible couple.  We really are.  We share a love that is beyond anything I could ever imagine...  One problem...  You guessed it.. My controlling-ness is creeping barging in...  Nothing major is going on, but enough for us both to notice and see this isn't how we want to be.

Well guess what %^&^!  It was me all along...  Really...  I can't blame other people because I need to take ownership of my faults.  I have tried in the past to take ownership and thought by saying "I'm sorry" I was doing just that, but it wasn't.  Taking true ownership of the problem requires you to understand the problem in which you have...  I didn't- until now.  Until this day- March 18, 2014...
And I can't say people haven't told me or tried...  Paul and my ex both have told me...  Numerous times each...  But I just didn't understand the "what" part of what my issue was...  Having someone TELL you what YOUR issue is isn't nearly as humbling as the ah ha moment you get when you realize exactly what they mean...

You may or may not relate.. You may or may not understand...  It isn't about judging, it is about realizing that not everyone handles adversity the same, not everyone copes the same...  People are unique in how they process information and how they chose (consciously or unconsciously) to channel that information...

We are all just people, humans...  Capable of errors and full of imperfections...

With this, I hope my close friends and family will support me in my journey to the life where I don't feel the need to control every.single.thing.in.sight....  It will be a bumpy road, I know...  but understanding the problem, I can now fix it...

Love Always,
Katie

The Meaning of Christmas...

So since the holidays have passed, I've been thinking about what I could have done differently, had i been stateside.  One of my favorite things to do (as those of you who know me know), I love to volunteer at shelters, animal shelters, soup kitchens, anywhere I feel like i can bring a smile to someone's face and help them.

So I came up with an idea.  Since we are headed back stateside in July, we will be there for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.  I know this is a time for family, friends and gifts.  But the real meaning if often lost, and I'm not talking about religiously.  Because there are so many religious denominations all over, that celebrating and emphasizing just ONE out of all of them, just doesn't see right to me.  But, one thing almost ALL of them have in common is LOVE.

The holiday seasons brings a sense of love and togetherness and that often gets lost in the commercialism the media and companies have put on the season.  So why not fight back to bring love and togetherness back to the center of the season?

My idea is simple.  Not to completely boycott Christmas, but to significantly scale it down.  Santa can still bring his 2 gifts (though not expensive).  But family gifts, we can put the money we would have spent on gifts towards something to help others.  I am thinking about helping those in need.  Not only could we volunteer on the holidays in the soup kitchens or shelters, but why not give them gifts?  

Why not make backpacks for the homeless?  What would you make them with?  Well the thrift stores have backpacks for $1-$3, you can fill with non perishables you buy on sale, some hygiene items and a thrift store blanket.  You could do all this for under $20 per back pack.  We usually spend about $500-$600 on gifts for both girls, so that would mean about 25-30 backpacks.

Or maybe just buying new clothing/toys on sale, wrapping them and then taking them to a shelter?  When stores are transitioning between seasons, you can pick up some clothing and items and rock bottom prices!  You can even find new with tag type items at thrift stores and consignment shops!

Some of you may think I'm crazy for even entertaining the idea of no presents for kids on Christmas, but Christmas isn't about gifts- at least not material gifts really- it's about love for one another.  And by helping out those in need, you are showing them they still matter, they are still part of our society, they are still loved.  Many homeless people feel society has forgotten about them, and in many cases it is true.  But why not just do something that will make an impact?  Even if it is one time?

Like I said, this is an idea I am toying with.  I have wanted to scale down Christmas and focus more emphasis on giving back for a while now, but never knew how or what do put our energy towards...  But I think gifts for others is a good way to start.

I saw this weekend a "pay it forward" event where people would do something nice in hopes the next person would do a nice act for another.  This is a great idea and if everyone did this, every day- one nice thing- think of how much of a positive impact that would make in our communities!  Little things go a long way!

Think about it.

Katie :)