The Longest Month of My Life...

So tomorrow (24 Dec- Christmas Eve), it will officially be 1 month since the worst news of my life.  It has really been the longest, hardest month to get past.  And what sucks even more, is it all started at the beginning of my favorite time of year, the holiday season.  Kinda put a damper on the holidays this year...  And I'm sure next year will be a little tough too, but all in all, I'm sure it will get easier with time.

Kinda sucks...  A lot oF my friends here are preggers and I can't help but feel sad and envious at the same time.  I have a friend who just had a baby and I wanna see her, but haven't brought myself to go yet...  And another friend who found out she was preg 10 days before I did.  She just had her first ultrasound and mine was supposed to be 3 days later...  She is already feeling the baby move she told me.  It's cool and I am beyond happy for all my friends, but idk, I can't help but feel like- that should be me too.  In time I guess....

Paul leaves again soon (less  than 2 weeks) and it makes me sad.  I hate when he leaves...  Honestly I'm kinda paranoid now...  I don't want him to leave in fear something else insane might happen.  He is my rock and I have leaned on him so much the last month... I still have my days.  They are fewer and further between my crying episodes.  But they still happen.  Just writing this and realizing its been 1 month is making me sad and teary.

Only time will heal things I know.  Just sucks to want something SO bad, get it, then have it taken away...  God had other plans for our angel.  Hopefully he knows how much he was loved and wanted...  (I say he b/c in my gut I know it was a boy...)

Loves to all.
Katie

The Weight Has Lifted...

So it has been some time (2 weeks) since my last post.  For good reason.  With everything going on, I was just overwhelmed.  Not to mention I was in my last 2 weeks of school and finals, yadda yadda.  It's been a helluva month.

But, over the last 2-3 weeks, here's what happened. 

Nov 26 : They never did locate the "baby" or placenta or anything.  I questioned whether my brain was causing a chemical pregnancy and the doctor ruled that out based on my hormone levels (were over 3400, chemical pregnancies usually stay around or under 100) and the ultrasound on my right ovary (showed it was the one that the pregnancy came from).  She put my mind at ease so I didn't feel like I was insane and doing this all myself.  But they were still baffled as to why they didn't see ANYTHING anywhere in my uterus, ovaries, tubes, abdomen, anything.  She was really worried it was growing somewhere that could really harm be (by rupturing and causing internal bleeding- causing a 50/50 probability of dying).  So NATURALLY I was freaked out.  Every little pain I was wondering about, every bit of anything, I was on edge for.   So she told me my options.  1. to wait it out (uh no.) and 2. to get a shot of methotrexate.  This is a drug used in chemo therapy to stop rapidly dividing cells (usually cancer) but in my case and others like mine, used to stop whatever is growing. I opted for #2 as did Paul.   It was hard and all I could think is "I'm killing whatever is inside me" and it hurt.  I felt horrible, but there was no way whatever/wherever it was would have been viable.  

Nov 27 : I got my 1st set of shots.  Ugh.  Ouchie.  I slept for most of the day after that and then for the next 2 days I felt horrible.  Nauseous, sick, sleepy, headaches, eyes burned.  It was yuck!  Then Thursday (day 4) was my lab blood date.

Dec 1  : I get labs done and my levels rose to 5200.  I was upset and more scared b/c it was still growing and putting my life endanger.  FML.

Dec 3:  Night my right side hurts, pretty bad.  Bu it isn't unbearable...  So I wait.

Dec 4: Lab date.  Levels rose to 6600.  I am freaking.  My dr is kinda spazzing.  She opts or another dose of the methotrexate, but cautions us that if I start hurting to come in ASAP.  So pins and needles.   

Dec 8:  Lab date.  Levels.........  FINALLY DROP!  to 5400.  Whew.  I am so happy and thankful.  

Dec 11:  Lab date again!  LEVELS @ 3200!!!  I am even feeling better.
Now since they are falling like they should, I have to get my levels checked every Monday until I am below 5, which hopefully should take 3 weeks or less!

In the mean time, I feel a lot better.  I had one night where I just completely, emotionally and physically broke down.  That was my rock bottom.  That was my point where I'd had enough.  But since that night, I have felt a lot better.  I feel like I can grieve.  I feel we will be able to move on.  There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel and I can see it.

My best friends, Jen and Sam, sent me the most amazing gift.  I got a silver charm bracelet with 2 charms on it.  An "F" and a rocking horse with 2 little diamonds.  The horse is for baby and the F is for Fulmer.  In remembrance of our baby.  I wear it everyday and will cherish it always.

So, hopefully, things will only get better and back to normal for us!  My Christmas wish (previous post) seems to be coming true :)  Thank you to everyone, friends and family who were there for us during this difficult time.  Your love, friendship and support has meant the world to me, Paul and the girls!  xoxo

Loves to all.
Katie

God Grant Me the Serenity...

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.


For some reason, as I was playing Words with Friends the first line popped into my head.  I didn't know the whole thing, so I googled it.  And as I read it, tears filled my eyes.  It is everything I have felt this week and continue to feel.  


A thing about me is this...  I have a hard time facing difficult things.  I tend to just get super numb and then they fade off into the distance.  It has worked for me in the past with many different issues.  Though I know this is not a right way of coping, it works for me.  And with the events over the last 10 days and that continue to happen, I have embraced this time tested technique.  


And it is completely failing me...


I try to be ok.  Things will be fine.  Things have been bearable.  I felt like we were coping.  Then the world decided to pull my rug from under me, drop me on my ass and say- screw this- I'm not going away.  


Tonight was supposed to be our fun Christmas night.  Everything was ok.  I have been more on edge and more of a roller coaster with everything and Ive been trying to hide it from the kids.  I am trying to stay strong and not let them see the hurt.  Trying to stay strong for Paul, to show him I am ok and he doesn't have to worry.  


But as the night unfolded, I saw just how much the girls actually have been feeding off of my so-called hidden emotions.  They aren't so hidden.  I feel like subconsciously everyone is feeding off of each other and everyone is wound up so tight with no outlet.  I feel like the kids don't know their emotions are being influenced by mine and when something happens, they just snap.  I know sometimes it is kids being kids and all, but it has only been this bad over the last week.  And tonight I think I understand why.  


As I stood there in the shower, trying to talk to Paul about it, I feel broken.  I feel like I've let him down and especially the kids.  And myself.  I felt this hurt tonight that I haven't felt in a really long time.  Feelings like this are the reason I have chosen to cope the way I do b/c I'm tired of the hurt.  I don't want to feel that way.  I don't want to feel vulnerable and not in control.  I don't want to feel broken.  And yet, as hard as I have been trying to act fine and be ok and all for everyone else on the outside, I can't hide my hurt anymore.  


I'm angry.  I'm sad. I don't like not understanding or being in control.  I don't like being vulnerable.  I don't like bobbing around waiting on test after test and get results that are devastating to hear and to feel like this nightmare will never end.  How can I even start to grieve or heal when the nightmare is still here?  How can Paul cope and deal and help support me and us move on when it isn't going away?  I just don't understand what I (we) did to deserve this.  


So being real, life sucks right now.  All I want for Christmas is for everything to be normal again. I want peace within and for my family.  I want the "SERENITY" in the 1st line. Is that really too much to ask for?