God Grant Me the Serenity...

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.


For some reason, as I was playing Words with Friends the first line popped into my head.  I didn't know the whole thing, so I googled it.  And as I read it, tears filled my eyes.  It is everything I have felt this week and continue to feel.  


A thing about me is this...  I have a hard time facing difficult things.  I tend to just get super numb and then they fade off into the distance.  It has worked for me in the past with many different issues.  Though I know this is not a right way of coping, it works for me.  And with the events over the last 10 days and that continue to happen, I have embraced this time tested technique.  


And it is completely failing me...


I try to be ok.  Things will be fine.  Things have been bearable.  I felt like we were coping.  Then the world decided to pull my rug from under me, drop me on my ass and say- screw this- I'm not going away.  


Tonight was supposed to be our fun Christmas night.  Everything was ok.  I have been more on edge and more of a roller coaster with everything and Ive been trying to hide it from the kids.  I am trying to stay strong and not let them see the hurt.  Trying to stay strong for Paul, to show him I am ok and he doesn't have to worry.  


But as the night unfolded, I saw just how much the girls actually have been feeding off of my so-called hidden emotions.  They aren't so hidden.  I feel like subconsciously everyone is feeding off of each other and everyone is wound up so tight with no outlet.  I feel like the kids don't know their emotions are being influenced by mine and when something happens, they just snap.  I know sometimes it is kids being kids and all, but it has only been this bad over the last week.  And tonight I think I understand why.  


As I stood there in the shower, trying to talk to Paul about it, I feel broken.  I feel like I've let him down and especially the kids.  And myself.  I felt this hurt tonight that I haven't felt in a really long time.  Feelings like this are the reason I have chosen to cope the way I do b/c I'm tired of the hurt.  I don't want to feel that way.  I don't want to feel vulnerable and not in control.  I don't want to feel broken.  And yet, as hard as I have been trying to act fine and be ok and all for everyone else on the outside, I can't hide my hurt anymore.  


I'm angry.  I'm sad. I don't like not understanding or being in control.  I don't like being vulnerable.  I don't like bobbing around waiting on test after test and get results that are devastating to hear and to feel like this nightmare will never end.  How can I even start to grieve or heal when the nightmare is still here?  How can Paul cope and deal and help support me and us move on when it isn't going away?  I just don't understand what I (we) did to deserve this.  


So being real, life sucks right now.  All I want for Christmas is for everything to be normal again. I want peace within and for my family.  I want the "SERENITY" in the 1st line. Is that really too much to ask for?