Day By Day & Hug by Hug

So I know everyone copes and deals differently and in case you didn't get it already, my source for coping is writing.  I like to write b/c I feel I can express myself through words and more people can be touched than my me repeating the story 100 times (and that would also be horribly hard).  So here is another post...  

So in the couple days since my last post, the meds seem to be working.  I have some side effects already, but nothing severe.  

Yesterday we went to the BX to get a few things.  My dumbass isn't paying attention to where I am walking and walk right thru the baby section.  This was difficult.  The store is packed, people are everywhere, I'm walking thru- eyes full, face getting red (I can feel it) and trying not to rush so much as to leave Paul and the girls.  But I had to get out of that section.  Tears falling left and right and all I wanna do is run and hide.  But I can't.  The girls are behind me with Paul.  I compose myself, pass the section (fast) then turn to smile at them and say catch up :)

Emily asked when is the baby going to come back?  That was a doozie.  (knife in heart and twist) I know she didn't mean harm.  I told her it isn't.  I said "The baby had to go to Heaven early to be with God so He could watch after him for me and Paul."  She said "so the baby is with God right now?"  I said "yeah, he is"  She just looked at me kinda confused and said "oh".  I told her we would have another one sometime.  She then said "well I want a brother".  That made me smile b/c in the past she only wanted a sister! :)

Today was ok.  I felt as good as I could I guess.  With the meds that were shot in my ass, I'm as good as good could be.  The meds are making me tired, crampy and I have headaches a lot.  But I will survive.  

I didn't cry today.  So that was a first.  Paul got a half day to help me with some stuff since i don't like doing medical crap and appts by myself b/c of all this.  He has been amazing.  I am so incredibly thankful he is home.  This has been hard, but having each other to fall back on, to cry to, to hold, to talk to and just to cuddle with has been better therapy than anything I could pay for!  

I have read that situations like this are hard on a marriage, they strain the relationship... Not in our case, if anything we are growing even stronger.   I don't doubt anything in our relationship or worry about it.  

I have also read that one's bond/ relationship with God is tested.  And I will say, I did not once BLAME God.  I did ask, why me a couple times.  I feel that is just human nature.  But I don't blame Him.  A friend posted on my wall- this statement:

"Life is the classroom, the bible is your textbook, and God is your teacher. When you're going through a hard time; that is your test that He gives you. During those hard times when you're praying and you feel like God isn't answering your prayers, just remember...the teacher doesn't answer questions during the test. Prayers n blessings, stay strong girl!"

That was probably the most awesome thing I've read or heard during this whole ordeal.  

Besides Paul saying it will be ok.  :)

I am so thankful (you guys honestly have NO IDEA) for my many friends and family who support and encourage us daily, and continue to do so!  I love each and everyone of you.  

The days are long and it is still the beginning of our healing, but it will pass in time.  We will heal and move on.  And one day, hopefully God will bless us with a baby again.  

Until then...  We continue to take it day by day.  

Loves to all

Katie