Thanksgiving... Finding a Silver Lining. I Know It's Somewhere....

ok, so I'm just going to type.  not worry about grammar or punctuation or whatever.  if it's wrong, idc.  I just need to do this.

so, today is Thanksgiving 2011.  I spent Thanksgiving eve and Thanksgiving morn in the ER with one of my best friends, Ryan.   To make this part short (not like you need to know details), I miscarried.

After  hours (1030pm-430 am) in the ER and one hell of an emotional roller coaster for those hours, i was numb.  i didn't know how to feel.  i still don't.  anyways, yeah, i talked to immediate family and paul.  then idk how, but i passed out.  3 hours of sleep, i don't know how i slept.  but i am grateful i was able to.

my friend Ryan let me stay at her house with the kids.  so i woke up to her 2 and my 2 laughing and playing.  i laid there listening to their laughter and cried.  now it felt real.  now i feel pain.  now i want my love, i wish he was here.  and i know he wishes he was too.   now it is reality and its hard.

today is Thanksgiving and i am very grateful for so many things.  i am thankful for great friends, a wonderful family, amazing kids, a loving hubby.  i am thankful we have an income, a house, have opportunities to travel the world and see so many amazing things.  I'm thankful for the men and women who continue to fight for our freedom and those who have fought in the past.  i am thankful to be alive and experience what i have, to be the person i am today.  i am thankful most of all, for the opportunity to be a mom.  i love my kids and husband more than anything in the world, they are what keeps me going when i don't think i can go- in times like this.

Today I feel like an emotional wrecking ball.  I'm trying not to cry.  but i find myself just crying without thought.  to get into the heart of everything, i know I'm not alone, people have been through this before.  but i honestly never thought it would happen to me.  i said to someone just 2 weeks ago, talking about miscarriage...  i don't know how i would ever cope with something like that.  its so sad and just horrible.  the loss of a child...  and now i am in the same boat.  and i don't know what to do.

the thing is, going back.  thinking back.  i feel like i was in denial the whole time.  i feel like i knew something was wrong and didn't want to believe it.  idk it might sound crazy, call it mother's instinct, but with my daughters, i never had one inkling of worry, never thought anything would go wrong.  never worried about miscarriage or birth defects or anything.  and this one, that's what has plagued my mind and i chalked it up to just me being a worry wart, denying there was even a possibility of anything being wrong...  i didn't want to think like that, but i just had a gut feeling and i was trying to push it down.  away.  out and not face it.  because i was hopeful.

3 days ago, i was in the hospital at my 1st appt to get general family history info.  i saw a boy being pushed in a special chair. he couldn't walk.  he had down syndrome and was severe.  i smiled as we passed and said hello.  he smiled but didn't say anything.  i thought the whole day about him.  i thought to myself, what if.  i dont want to sound shallow or anything, but honestly i don't know if i could handle something like that.  i don't know what would be worse, miscarriage early like this or my child being sick and never being able to make it better.  it sounds horrible i know and i feel terrible thinking like that bc i was raised that all babies are blessings, no matter what.  but until you are faced with that, its hard to say how you would feel.

my friend Ryan said maybe something was wrong and this was God's way of helping me.  maybe it would be easier for me to cope now with this, than something like that.  idk.  maybe it was meant for my kids to be a part of it all (they woulda been gone for birth at their dad's).  or maybe its for some other reason that idk yet.  maybe i will never know.  actually i guess i will never know.

the dr says its common.  but that doesn't help the hurt.  some say at least i wasn't further along, but that doesn't matter, i still had a baby growing inside, one that was wanted so badly and now i don't.  some say be thankful i have 2 kids already, and i am, very thankful, but that doesn't change the fact i lost one.  some say, you are young, you can have another.  but that will never change losing a baby.  this is a lifelong recovery.  one that cuts right down to the core of one's soul.  


I've said all of the above comments to people i know who have miscarried.  i never understood how ineffective my comments were.  how they make the hurt worse.  i never meant harm, just like i know others don't, but if you want to say anything, just say, I'm sorry for your loss or if there is anything i can do let me know.  don't say any of the above.   honestly it feels like my heart is being ripped out all over again bc nothing will make the loss of a baby any easier.

its heart breaking.  i don't know how to handle it. i don't know how i will get to the day where i wake up and that won't be the first thing on my mind or the last thing at night.  i don't know how to help paul handle it.  i have heard miscarriages are trying on a marriage.  but all i want to do is be close to him right now.  i wish more than anything i could be in his arms, smell his smell and hear him say its gonna be ok, i love you.  i can't do that now, but it will happen soon.  we got word today his leadership made the decision to send him home.  it is bittersweet.  but right now i just feel like i need my family together.  me paul and the girls.  i need them more than they could ever know.

i am so thankful for many, many things.  i just don't like not understanding this.  i don't know how the days or weeks will unfold.  i guess i will just take it day by day and pray for the strength for me, paul and the girls to be able to move past this.

i am not seeking comments, pity, or anything.  i just needed to vent and post this.  thanks for listening.

loves to all
Katie <3