Where is That Damn Silver Lining?

Ok.  So a few days ago I wrote about Paul and me miscarrying.  It devastated us.  Well on Saturday I had to go back in and have labs done to make sure my HCG level are falling, etc.  I get a call back at 530pm saying they rose.  WTF.  I ask if I am still pregnant.  I am told yes.  BUT. They were supposed to double in quantity and they only rose by 45%.  I ask what the heck does that mean?  The tech says she doesn't know.  But she will call me back and have the doctor talk to me.

I hang up and tell Paul.  We are both in shock.  They didn't see anything on the ultrasound Wednesday.  NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH.  My uterus was empty and supposedly my tubes were too.  The doctor calls back and says I need to come in ASAP.  It's a possible ectopic and they have to run more tests and get another ultrasound.

Well shit.  WTF.  OMG.  These all are going thru my head with a ton of questions.  IDK how to react.  IDK what to think.  Could this be ok in the end?  Could it be twins or something and they are too small to see???  I didn't want to get my hopes up.  But I was so confused.

We get to labor and delivery and they rush us to ultrasound.  The lady in there is super nice and explains everything she sees, doesn't see and is doing and what she is looking for. Well, she looks for a goof 20 min.  Nothing.  There is still nothing in my uterus, tubes or anything.  Nothing outside the uterus, no fluid, she can't tell where my bleeding is from.  Nothing.  She said she has been doing this 14 years and is baffled.  She is clueless as to what's wrong.

This is not helping us any.  The doctor tells us that anything outside the uterus is "ectopic" and though they can't find where this baby is growing.... It is somewhere... And it isn't "Normal" she says.  In order for it to be normal, she said my labs needed to go from 2200 to 4400 from Thursday to Saturday.  They were only at 3300.  So she suggests 2 things.  Methotrexate or wait 48 hours.

Methotrexate is an anti-cancer drug that has been used for 40 years treating ectopics.  It stops the cells from dividing, flags them and gets rid of them.  Thus, ending whatever is going on inside me.

Waiting 48 hours, she said would be dangerous.  She said I am over 7 weeks "technically" and if I waited until Monday, nothing changed, I would have to do the drug above anyways.  And the risk of waiting would not be good b/c I could rupture in that time and internally bleed.  They would have to rush me to surgery and my chances were about 50/50.

Talk about laying it on heavy.  :(  I look at Paul.  He is upset.  He says, option 1.  I nod.  I wanna be around for him and my kids and for a baby eventually.  It scared me.  She put in the order and told us to come back Sunday (today) at 8am.

We get back and I get the shot.  2 shots.  One in each butt cheek.  Ugh.  Ouch.   Hurts like hell.  Inter-muscular.   We have to go back on Wed and next Sun to get exams and labs to make sure it's working and my levels are coming down.  If they aren't, it could mean one more shot, or surgery.

If my labs look good and it is going down, I have to go back 1x a week until my HCG levels are under 5 (today they are 3352...)  and they decrease about 15% every 4 days.  yay.  Long road.  Sucks.

So right now, Paul and I are on pins and needles.  The doctor says this medicine will not prevent a rupture.  It could still happen while the meds are trying to take effect.  Great. So yeah.  Long road.  Sucks.  Paul and I are just trying to understand all this.

But regardless of what happens, we love each other.  Not matter what.  It isn't going to kill us, therefore it WILL make us stronger.

Loves to all,
Katie