The Weight Has Lifted...

So it has been some time (2 weeks) since my last post.  For good reason.  With everything going on, I was just overwhelmed.  Not to mention I was in my last 2 weeks of school and finals, yadda yadda.  It's been a helluva month.

But, over the last 2-3 weeks, here's what happened. 

Nov 26 : They never did locate the "baby" or placenta or anything.  I questioned whether my brain was causing a chemical pregnancy and the doctor ruled that out based on my hormone levels (were over 3400, chemical pregnancies usually stay around or under 100) and the ultrasound on my right ovary (showed it was the one that the pregnancy came from).  She put my mind at ease so I didn't feel like I was insane and doing this all myself.  But they were still baffled as to why they didn't see ANYTHING anywhere in my uterus, ovaries, tubes, abdomen, anything.  She was really worried it was growing somewhere that could really harm be (by rupturing and causing internal bleeding- causing a 50/50 probability of dying).  So NATURALLY I was freaked out.  Every little pain I was wondering about, every bit of anything, I was on edge for.   So she told me my options.  1. to wait it out (uh no.) and 2. to get a shot of methotrexate.  This is a drug used in chemo therapy to stop rapidly dividing cells (usually cancer) but in my case and others like mine, used to stop whatever is growing. I opted for #2 as did Paul.   It was hard and all I could think is "I'm killing whatever is inside me" and it hurt.  I felt horrible, but there was no way whatever/wherever it was would have been viable.  

Nov 27 : I got my 1st set of shots.  Ugh.  Ouchie.  I slept for most of the day after that and then for the next 2 days I felt horrible.  Nauseous, sick, sleepy, headaches, eyes burned.  It was yuck!  Then Thursday (day 4) was my lab blood date.

Dec 1  : I get labs done and my levels rose to 5200.  I was upset and more scared b/c it was still growing and putting my life endanger.  FML.

Dec 3:  Night my right side hurts, pretty bad.  Bu it isn't unbearable...  So I wait.

Dec 4: Lab date.  Levels rose to 6600.  I am freaking.  My dr is kinda spazzing.  She opts or another dose of the methotrexate, but cautions us that if I start hurting to come in ASAP.  So pins and needles.   

Dec 8:  Lab date.  Levels.........  FINALLY DROP!  to 5400.  Whew.  I am so happy and thankful.  

Dec 11:  Lab date again!  LEVELS @ 3200!!!  I am even feeling better.
Now since they are falling like they should, I have to get my levels checked every Monday until I am below 5, which hopefully should take 3 weeks or less!

In the mean time, I feel a lot better.  I had one night where I just completely, emotionally and physically broke down.  That was my rock bottom.  That was my point where I'd had enough.  But since that night, I have felt a lot better.  I feel like I can grieve.  I feel we will be able to move on.  There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel and I can see it.

My best friends, Jen and Sam, sent me the most amazing gift.  I got a silver charm bracelet with 2 charms on it.  An "F" and a rocking horse with 2 little diamonds.  The horse is for baby and the F is for Fulmer.  In remembrance of our baby.  I wear it everyday and will cherish it always.

So, hopefully, things will only get better and back to normal for us!  My Christmas wish (previous post) seems to be coming true :)  Thank you to everyone, friends and family who were there for us during this difficult time.  Your love, friendship and support has meant the world to me, Paul and the girls!  xoxo

Loves to all.
Katie