Day By Day & Hug by Hug

So I know everyone copes and deals differently and in case you didn't get it already, my source for coping is writing.  I like to write b/c I feel I can express myself through words and more people can be touched than my me repeating the story 100 times (and that would also be horribly hard).  So here is another post...  

So in the couple days since my last post, the meds seem to be working.  I have some side effects already, but nothing severe.  

Yesterday we went to the BX to get a few things.  My dumbass isn't paying attention to where I am walking and walk right thru the baby section.  This was difficult.  The store is packed, people are everywhere, I'm walking thru- eyes full, face getting red (I can feel it) and trying not to rush so much as to leave Paul and the girls.  But I had to get out of that section.  Tears falling left and right and all I wanna do is run and hide.  But I can't.  The girls are behind me with Paul.  I compose myself, pass the section (fast) then turn to smile at them and say catch up :)

Emily asked when is the baby going to come back?  That was a doozie.  (knife in heart and twist) I know she didn't mean harm.  I told her it isn't.  I said "The baby had to go to Heaven early to be with God so He could watch after him for me and Paul."  She said "so the baby is with God right now?"  I said "yeah, he is"  She just looked at me kinda confused and said "oh".  I told her we would have another one sometime.  She then said "well I want a brother".  That made me smile b/c in the past she only wanted a sister! :)

Today was ok.  I felt as good as I could I guess.  With the meds that were shot in my ass, I'm as good as good could be.  The meds are making me tired, crampy and I have headaches a lot.  But I will survive.  

I didn't cry today.  So that was a first.  Paul got a half day to help me with some stuff since i don't like doing medical crap and appts by myself b/c of all this.  He has been amazing.  I am so incredibly thankful he is home.  This has been hard, but having each other to fall back on, to cry to, to hold, to talk to and just to cuddle with has been better therapy than anything I could pay for!  

I have read that situations like this are hard on a marriage, they strain the relationship... Not in our case, if anything we are growing even stronger.   I don't doubt anything in our relationship or worry about it.  

I have also read that one's bond/ relationship with God is tested.  And I will say, I did not once BLAME God.  I did ask, why me a couple times.  I feel that is just human nature.  But I don't blame Him.  A friend posted on my wall- this statement:

"Life is the classroom, the bible is your textbook, and God is your teacher. When you're going through a hard time; that is your test that He gives you. During those hard times when you're praying and you feel like God isn't answering your prayers, just remember...the teacher doesn't answer questions during the test. Prayers n blessings, stay strong girl!"

That was probably the most awesome thing I've read or heard during this whole ordeal.  

Besides Paul saying it will be ok.  :)

I am so thankful (you guys honestly have NO IDEA) for my many friends and family who support and encourage us daily, and continue to do so!  I love each and everyone of you.  

The days are long and it is still the beginning of our healing, but it will pass in time.  We will heal and move on.  And one day, hopefully God will bless us with a baby again.  

Until then...  We continue to take it day by day.  

Loves to all

Katie 

Where is That Damn Silver Lining?

Ok.  So a few days ago I wrote about Paul and me miscarrying.  It devastated us.  Well on Saturday I had to go back in and have labs done to make sure my HCG level are falling, etc.  I get a call back at 530pm saying they rose.  WTF.  I ask if I am still pregnant.  I am told yes.  BUT. They were supposed to double in quantity and they only rose by 45%.  I ask what the heck does that mean?  The tech says she doesn't know.  But she will call me back and have the doctor talk to me.

I hang up and tell Paul.  We are both in shock.  They didn't see anything on the ultrasound Wednesday.  NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH.  My uterus was empty and supposedly my tubes were too.  The doctor calls back and says I need to come in ASAP.  It's a possible ectopic and they have to run more tests and get another ultrasound.

Well shit.  WTF.  OMG.  These all are going thru my head with a ton of questions.  IDK how to react.  IDK what to think.  Could this be ok in the end?  Could it be twins or something and they are too small to see???  I didn't want to get my hopes up.  But I was so confused.

We get to labor and delivery and they rush us to ultrasound.  The lady in there is super nice and explains everything she sees, doesn't see and is doing and what she is looking for. Well, she looks for a goof 20 min.  Nothing.  There is still nothing in my uterus, tubes or anything.  Nothing outside the uterus, no fluid, she can't tell where my bleeding is from.  Nothing.  She said she has been doing this 14 years and is baffled.  She is clueless as to what's wrong.

This is not helping us any.  The doctor tells us that anything outside the uterus is "ectopic" and though they can't find where this baby is growing.... It is somewhere... And it isn't "Normal" she says.  In order for it to be normal, she said my labs needed to go from 2200 to 4400 from Thursday to Saturday.  They were only at 3300.  So she suggests 2 things.  Methotrexate or wait 48 hours.

Methotrexate is an anti-cancer drug that has been used for 40 years treating ectopics.  It stops the cells from dividing, flags them and gets rid of them.  Thus, ending whatever is going on inside me.

Waiting 48 hours, she said would be dangerous.  She said I am over 7 weeks "technically" and if I waited until Monday, nothing changed, I would have to do the drug above anyways.  And the risk of waiting would not be good b/c I could rupture in that time and internally bleed.  They would have to rush me to surgery and my chances were about 50/50.

Talk about laying it on heavy.  :(  I look at Paul.  He is upset.  He says, option 1.  I nod.  I wanna be around for him and my kids and for a baby eventually.  It scared me.  She put in the order and told us to come back Sunday (today) at 8am.

We get back and I get the shot.  2 shots.  One in each butt cheek.  Ugh.  Ouch.   Hurts like hell.  Inter-muscular.   We have to go back on Wed and next Sun to get exams and labs to make sure it's working and my levels are coming down.  If they aren't, it could mean one more shot, or surgery.

If my labs look good and it is going down, I have to go back 1x a week until my HCG levels are under 5 (today they are 3352...)  and they decrease about 15% every 4 days.  yay.  Long road.  Sucks.

So right now, Paul and I are on pins and needles.  The doctor says this medicine will not prevent a rupture.  It could still happen while the meds are trying to take effect.  Great. So yeah.  Long road.  Sucks.  Paul and I are just trying to understand all this.

But regardless of what happens, we love each other.  Not matter what.  It isn't going to kill us, therefore it WILL make us stronger.

Loves to all,
Katie

Thanksgiving... Finding a Silver Lining. I Know It's Somewhere....

ok, so I'm just going to type.  not worry about grammar or punctuation or whatever.  if it's wrong, idc.  I just need to do this.

so, today is Thanksgiving 2011.  I spent Thanksgiving eve and Thanksgiving morn in the ER with one of my best friends, Ryan.   To make this part short (not like you need to know details), I miscarried.

After  hours (1030pm-430 am) in the ER and one hell of an emotional roller coaster for those hours, i was numb.  i didn't know how to feel.  i still don't.  anyways, yeah, i talked to immediate family and paul.  then idk how, but i passed out.  3 hours of sleep, i don't know how i slept.  but i am grateful i was able to.

my friend Ryan let me stay at her house with the kids.  so i woke up to her 2 and my 2 laughing and playing.  i laid there listening to their laughter and cried.  now it felt real.  now i feel pain.  now i want my love, i wish he was here.  and i know he wishes he was too.   now it is reality and its hard.

today is Thanksgiving and i am very grateful for so many things.  i am thankful for great friends, a wonderful family, amazing kids, a loving hubby.  i am thankful we have an income, a house, have opportunities to travel the world and see so many amazing things.  I'm thankful for the men and women who continue to fight for our freedom and those who have fought in the past.  i am thankful to be alive and experience what i have, to be the person i am today.  i am thankful most of all, for the opportunity to be a mom.  i love my kids and husband more than anything in the world, they are what keeps me going when i don't think i can go- in times like this.

Today I feel like an emotional wrecking ball.  I'm trying not to cry.  but i find myself just crying without thought.  to get into the heart of everything, i know I'm not alone, people have been through this before.  but i honestly never thought it would happen to me.  i said to someone just 2 weeks ago, talking about miscarriage...  i don't know how i would ever cope with something like that.  its so sad and just horrible.  the loss of a child...  and now i am in the same boat.  and i don't know what to do.

the thing is, going back.  thinking back.  i feel like i was in denial the whole time.  i feel like i knew something was wrong and didn't want to believe it.  idk it might sound crazy, call it mother's instinct, but with my daughters, i never had one inkling of worry, never thought anything would go wrong.  never worried about miscarriage or birth defects or anything.  and this one, that's what has plagued my mind and i chalked it up to just me being a worry wart, denying there was even a possibility of anything being wrong...  i didn't want to think like that, but i just had a gut feeling and i was trying to push it down.  away.  out and not face it.  because i was hopeful.

3 days ago, i was in the hospital at my 1st appt to get general family history info.  i saw a boy being pushed in a special chair. he couldn't walk.  he had down syndrome and was severe.  i smiled as we passed and said hello.  he smiled but didn't say anything.  i thought the whole day about him.  i thought to myself, what if.  i dont want to sound shallow or anything, but honestly i don't know if i could handle something like that.  i don't know what would be worse, miscarriage early like this or my child being sick and never being able to make it better.  it sounds horrible i know and i feel terrible thinking like that bc i was raised that all babies are blessings, no matter what.  but until you are faced with that, its hard to say how you would feel.

my friend Ryan said maybe something was wrong and this was God's way of helping me.  maybe it would be easier for me to cope now with this, than something like that.  idk.  maybe it was meant for my kids to be a part of it all (they woulda been gone for birth at their dad's).  or maybe its for some other reason that idk yet.  maybe i will never know.  actually i guess i will never know.

the dr says its common.  but that doesn't help the hurt.  some say at least i wasn't further along, but that doesn't matter, i still had a baby growing inside, one that was wanted so badly and now i don't.  some say be thankful i have 2 kids already, and i am, very thankful, but that doesn't change the fact i lost one.  some say, you are young, you can have another.  but that will never change losing a baby.  this is a lifelong recovery.  one that cuts right down to the core of one's soul.  


I've said all of the above comments to people i know who have miscarried.  i never understood how ineffective my comments were.  how they make the hurt worse.  i never meant harm, just like i know others don't, but if you want to say anything, just say, I'm sorry for your loss or if there is anything i can do let me know.  don't say any of the above.   honestly it feels like my heart is being ripped out all over again bc nothing will make the loss of a baby any easier.

its heart breaking.  i don't know how to handle it. i don't know how i will get to the day where i wake up and that won't be the first thing on my mind or the last thing at night.  i don't know how to help paul handle it.  i have heard miscarriages are trying on a marriage.  but all i want to do is be close to him right now.  i wish more than anything i could be in his arms, smell his smell and hear him say its gonna be ok, i love you.  i can't do that now, but it will happen soon.  we got word today his leadership made the decision to send him home.  it is bittersweet.  but right now i just feel like i need my family together.  me paul and the girls.  i need them more than they could ever know.

i am so thankful for many, many things.  i just don't like not understanding this.  i don't know how the days or weeks will unfold.  i guess i will just take it day by day and pray for the strength for me, paul and the girls to be able to move past this.

i am not seeking comments, pity, or anything.  i just needed to vent and post this.  thanks for listening.

loves to all
Katie <3

The Pregnant Belly Touching Syndrome...

Well...  IDK what it is, but what makes people think it's ok to invade personal space and touch a pregnant belly, without asking I  might add?  Really?  When did that become ok?  I mean I don't walk up to you and pinch your cheeks or give you a good game when we say goodbye, so rubbing, touching or poking someone's pregnant belly is ok?  LOL
No.  Just for all my friends info, it is not ok with me.
Want this shirt!!!!!!  Large please :)-------------------->>

Now I know I am only 6-7 weeks along, but I've already had a couple people do this.  An old lady in the commissary chatting me up in line bc she saw I had diapers in my cart. She was asking if this was my 1st and I said no, my 3rd and I'm about 6ish weeks now.   I told her I was stockpiling.  She made a comment about the "bun in the oven" will be here before I know it and reached to rub my belly.  I stepped back, shocked and kinda tried to giggle it off.  Ugh no, I don't know you, don't touch me is what I wanted to say.  But I was polite and backed up and smiled.  I think she got the point.

Then I had a friend poke me like I was the pillsbury doughboy.  I know no harm was meant by it, but c'mon people?!?!?!

So this is for ALL my friends and family and even people I don't know (tho I know you probably don't read my blog- you should :))...  It is not ok to touch a pregnant lady without ASKING.  It is an invasion of personal space and you might pull a stump back if you try it.....  Just sayin'....

I love all my family and friends dearly, but it's my belly....





You won't get good luck by rubbing it, I promise!

and I won't giggle and say "woohoo" if you poke me.

                 So please, keep your hands to yourself :)

Thanks!

Loves to all,
Katie + baby

Bizarre Turns Heartbreaking...

Well, tonight the girls and I went to dinner with Madison's friends and family from across the way.  Well, I shoulda known the night was gonna be bad to begin with... My car, a diesel VW Golf wouldn't crank.  The battery died.  I was quickly informed by my neighbors if you do not start a diesel morning and evening and let it warm up in the frigid weather, it can drain the battery...  Ugh.  So my friend John had to come over and give me a quick jump.  Worked like a charm.

So off to Popeyes we go.  Everything was fine.  We were all eating and talking, yadda yadda yadda... Then we see this dog, trotting around the restaurant like he owned the place...  It was a very cute Boston Terrier!  Reminded me of Paul's old dog Rodeo :( Anyways, he is just running around.  And the kids are laughing.  At first I thought maybe he ran in from someone opening the door.  10 minutes pass... No owner.  I'm thinking, I can so have a dog now :)  Paul would love me like crazy!!!  Then I see his owner.  She is a mid 30's heavier set lady with 3 small kids...

I didn't pay any mind, until the manager comes over and tries to tell this lady, nicely and respectfully she cannot have this dog in here.  Her response- WHY NOT?  The  manager explains, it's a health code violation, against the law, etc, you need to remove your dog.  She refuses saying he is part of her family.  He still at this point is super cool.  Saying please, remove your dog.  She is now acting like she can't hear him.

Soon, another man and another family start trying to tell her, she needs to take the dog and go, or at least put him outside while she finishes.  She doesn't understand what is wrong and why she can't have this dog in here.  She says he will stay by me, he is a good dog, he listens (all the while the dog is running from front to back and doing everything EXCEPT listening to her).  We all try and explain to her she can't have a dog in here, but she is insistent, she can.  "Have you ever been to a German restaurant?" she asked me.  "Yes ma'am I have and they don't allow dogs either" I said.  She shrugs me off.

I loudly tell her, if she doesn't remove the dog, they will call the SPs (security police) and have her arrested.  She says.... No they won't.  I tell her, Ma'am, your husband is going to get in trouble for your actions....  She says.... No he won't.  I explain, yes, he will be he is your sponsor and he is the reason you are allowed on base, so if you get in trouble or your kids, it falls on him.  She shrugs me off again.

By this time the manager is on the phone with the SPs.  They are enroute.  Her kids are crying.  Her oldest daughter is sobbing, begging her mom to just take the dog outside so they can eat.  She refuses....

By time, I am thinking she is just being hard to handle and basically being a bitch, thinking she won't get in trouble.  But then....  the SPs show up and my mind is blown.

One SP approaches her.  Asks if this is her dog.  She says... No.  He asks 3 times, she says no.  Another one asks her, she says... Yes, it is her dog.  WTF?

She is told to remove the dog.  She doesn't.  This goes on for about 10 min with the officers getting very angry.

They ask for her ID first she doesn't have one, 5 min later when asked by another officer, she hands it over.

When she starts to be questioned about her husbands whereabouts, she amazingly- goes deaf.  Starts doing hand motions like she is trying to do sign language.  I tell the officer (who is only 6 ft from me).  She isn't deaf, she was just talking to us and the other officers, and I know signing, she isn't doing any of it...  He chuckles and says " really, are you kidding me?"  I shake my head....

Her daughter is crying, her boys are just pale faced and in shock.  I feel for them.  It's at this moment I think something may be mentally wrong...  We just sit back and watch.

A female officer comes in and is able to talk to her.  Her husband is in the states on a TDY for 30 days...  Welp, guess that trip is cut short!  The SPs call family advocacy (kinda like CPS for the AF) and her husbands 1st SGT.  The female officer takes the lady to the rear of the building and frisks her.  Then takes her outside to wait for a car to transport her to the cop shop.

Her kids are left inside.  Looking around.  Seeing people look at them.  Scared.  Sad. My heart was breaking.  I was immediately taken back to the time my sister and I were in foster care.  I wanted to cry for them.  But instead I walked over to the kids and introduced myself to try to comfort them a little.

The oldest is Arianna, she is 7.  Her brothers are Dustin and Joseph (JoJo), 5 and 3 respectively.  JoJo isn't wearing shoes.  His boots are next to him and he said his feet are cold, but his boots hurt bc of the sticks in them.  So I pick them up and talk to him.  "Sticks?" I say.  "Yes, we had to walk thru hayfields and they got in my boots" he tells me.  So I ask him, if i clean them out, would he wear them?  He nods.  I clean them out, and he is happy.  His older sister, Arianna, is in tears still.  I rub her back and tell her it will be ok.  The police are there to keep her safe and make sure everything will be ok.  They are going to call her dad and he will be able to come home soon.  Dustin is quiet.  He didn't like talking a lot.  I did manage to win his affection by getting him some Fanta soda :)

It is at this time I notice, the kids have 1- 3 pc chicken meal to split between them.  They are hungry.  I rub their backs to comfort them and I can feel their dry, cracking skin thru the shirts they are wearing.  I ask if they need some lotion, they say the don't use it.  Dustin now raises his pant leg and says "thats why my skin is white and not tan"  (they are all olive complexion, but their skin is grey from the dryness.)  My heart breaks even more.

I stay with the kids, talking to them, playing hand games and all.  They are feeling a little better.  JoJo, every once in a while starts to cry for his mommy and all I can do is tell him, it will be ok.  I tell them my name, Arianna said she would remember it forever :)

We were in there for about 90 minutes extra, just talking and comforting the kids.  I wanted to take them home, unfortunately my car only seats 5 :(  I talk to the lead officer about what will happen.  He says he wants to make sure she is capable of caring for her kids.  He doesn't care about the dog issue as much as before, but he was worried about the kids.  I show him their skin and he is floored.  He said he would make sure family advocacy got some lotion for them.

After everything was done, JoJo wanted me to carry him out with the police.  The other 2 stayed close by my side.  The when we got outside, they saw their mom.  Arianna asked if she could stay with her, the officer said yes until the other cars arrive.  She looked at me, sad - like she was alone.  All i could say was "it will be ok honey.  They are going to take good care of you and your daddy will be home soon!  Remember the officers are here to help you guys ok?"  She nodded.

As I turned to walk out, my heart sank, my eyes filled with tears and I wanted to bawl.  Madison asked what was wrong, I told her no kid should ever be treated like that.  It wasn't fair.

I choked back tears all the way home and now, as I write, I tear up again.  I hope they are ok.  I hope they get help.  I hope their dad comes back soon.  I hope they end up ok.  Words cannot express how I felt tonight.

Sweet dreams Arianna, Dustin and JoJo.  Hugs.

Loves to all,
Katie

Whoa Baby!!!

Well, in case you live under a rock and haven't heard- I'm PREGNANT!!!!  woot!  I was gonna say Paul and I are pregnant, but then you always have that one jokester who says "Paul's pregnant, better call the news up"...  yada yada.  Anyways, yep, so we are. And by my calculations and help from Babycenter.com I think I am in the neighborhood of 4.5 ish weeks.  Still early I know, but thanks to First Response pregnancy test, I found out 4 days before my missed period!  It is more sensitive than the Lab on base!  Theirs still showed negative, but I took a grand total of 6, ranging from digital, regular and 3 different brands!  All were positive!

It's so funny, because I had a couple different ways I wanted to tell him when we found out...  1. Way was to put BOY/GIRL? on my tummy.  2. Way was post-its on the wall that said "Got Baby?" and each post-it would have a "daddy saying" on it.  but what happened...  I pee'd.  I left the room, came back, saw the lines and freaked.  He was passing by the bathroom and all I could do was pull him in, say "it's pink, there's 2 pink lines" and hug him and cry.  Lol.  So yeah, I'm a spaz.

So with that being said, everyone is excited!  My family is a little, they've been thru this before though lol.  Paul's family on the other hand is super excited!  Madison and Emily are so super excited, though they are jinxing me, saying we will have twins!  But I doubt it, twins don't run on either side.  

I bought the 1st pack of diapers today!  Huggies Snugglers Newborn.  My goal is to buy a pack a pay period with a pack of wipes.  That way we can be stocked up and not worry about diapers for the first few months!  With that, I need to start buying flannel fabric!  I am going to make receiving blankets and burp cloths!  I wanna make most of them.  Im sure we will get some as gifts, but the majority, I wanna make! 

I have already started nesting lol.  Well off and on.  I think it's more me being bored b/c Paul has been gone for a few days already.  Im doing really well in school and plan to stay in school til May, then I will take time off til next October and start up again.  I should be able to get 2 more quarters in before the baby comes!  

Paul gets back 2nd week of Dec and just in time, too!  We will get to see and hear the heartbeat for the 1st time just before Christmas!!!!!  What an awesome Christmas gift!  To see the life we created, growing inside!!! So awesome!  Then he will leave again for another business trip for the month of January and the be home the rest of the time!!! I am excited to actually be able to share this pregnancy with my husband!  (With Madison and Emily- their dad was deployed and  the in Korea-ugh- went thru it alone, sucked), so this time will actually be normal and awesome!

I can't wait til I have a belly and we can just be cuddling and feel the baby kick together :) I am at such an awesome place in life!  Tho there were many broken roads and paths along my way, I finally found the right path and am happier than I ever could have imagined!  

Loves to all!

Katie (+baby)

You're Gonna Miss This...

The song You're Gonna Miss This by Trace Adkins has such a powerful meaning.  I love it and think about it often when things happen with the kids.  I can't believe how big they are getting, can't believe how smart they are, how resilient they are, how they are beginning to look so grown up.

I know society has a way of influencing kids to grow up faster than we want, and my kids, well, they aren't an exception.  Paul and I try to keep them little, but the fact is, they have a growing independence about them and they are going to explore that.  Our job I guess is to make sure they are pointed in the right direction.  We are doing out best.

The kids and Paul are great, they interact well and talk.  He reads books about being a step dad and is really trying to get a grasp on parenting dos and don'ts.  He is doing such a great job.  Me and the kids have a sort of love and testing relationship.  I'm the one they will test, talk back to or try to fight with, b/c I am mom.  But, that is getting better.  The recent talks I have had with the kids have finally hit home. And I am learning, they are babies anymore.  Yes they are my babies, but they are wanting to explore who they are and what they are capable of.  I've been slowly giving it to them, within reason.  They have been beyond cooperative, non fighting and helpful.

An example would be- Madison's hair.  She has been begging me to cut it for a month.  I kept telling her no.  But she wanted it.  Finally I said to myself, what is it gonna hurt?  She wants to be her own person, it's her hair and she wants to cut it, so why not?  I mean really, it's hair- not like it won't grown back!  So I cut out for her.

Another example is clothes, I've been letting them pick their clothes out, Emily, too.  It's a lot less of a war-zone in the ams now.  Paul once said- you let these clothes come in here, you approve them by buying them, so you know she won't leave the house looking horrible, so why not?  So I agreed.

It's the little things- letting them have a decision, even though it may be small, it's theirs to make and they love it.

Madison loves being a social butterfly.  She can stay outside with her friends all afternoon and night, if I let her!  But Emily loves to be a helper!  Anything she can do to help mom or Paul!  She loves to sweep and will take it from me, she loves to bake and help cook.  Last night we had spaghetti.  She had to help!  Paul's gonna make her a master chef by the age of 16!

Cooking Spaghetti Sauce

Testing the noodles

 

Yummy!  It's done!